No, this is not a belated Father's Day post. Instead, this post is related to my previous post regarding my recent ephiphany. As of late I feel as though I've been consumed with sorrow, anger, frustration and jealousy regarding my inability to get pregnant. It has become an obsession of mine. And obsessions are never healthy. A&E even has an award winning television series proving just that! So, I've reached out to some friends for advice to help tackle my demons because I'm a talker. I want to talk out EVERYTHING hoping someone will say just the right thing to turn that dark bulb over my head light. Unfortunately, this has only taught me that infertility effects everyone differently and most women it has not effected as negatively as it has me. (Don't give up reading now if you are afraid this is just going to be a bunch of whining. I promise it has a happy ending!)
So I've been trying to "back up" as I told my son to do and figure out how I can get rid of all of this anger and negativity. I am proud to announce that I have FINALLY found the solution to my problem. THANK GOODNESS the answer is NOT to pretend to be excited for expectant mothers and try to subdue my feelings of jealousy in hopes that eventually my pretence would become sincere. I realized this effort was my equivalent of River's cart wheel stuck on a post. When has pretence ever lead to sincerity? Instead the answer came as I was preparing a lesson for the Sunday School class I teach at church. (Again, don't give up reading now if you are afraid this is going to be a bible thumping post, the answer is not for religious folks only). As I prepared the lesson I read the following verses:
"Behold, I will send you Elijah the prophet before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the Lord. And he shall turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers..." Malachi 4:5-6
and
"... he shall go before him in the spirit and power of Elias (another name used often to refer to the prophet Elijah), to turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the disobedient to the wisdom of the just; to make ready a people prepared for the Lord." Luke 1:17
The lesson, in case you can't tell from the super cryptic bible verses, was about keeping family history records. Yes, I'm LDS and we "Mo-Mo's" love ourselves some good ol' fashioned geneology!
I know this is dramatic but sometimes it feels like I've reached MY great and dreadful day, and I would LOVE the wisdom of the just to get me through it. Come on down Elijah, the price is most certainly right! So I've decided to turn my heart to my "fathers" through family history work so that I may ground myself in the life lessons of those who have come before me. So many of which involve the loss of many children in pregnancy, labor, and in childhood. And turn my heart to my "children" by keeping River's records so that he too can learn from them.
Please know that I am under no false impression that this will solve everything. There will still be difficult, angry days but they will be far less in number and that's all right with me. My plan is to work mostly in Cory's family history as both of my grandparents have done amazing work totalling 20,000+ names on both my maternal and paternal sides going as far back as the 15th century! I also want to compile River's biological family history and I am the most excited about this work.
Since I don't want a pictureless post again here are a few pictures of my famous/infamous ancestors...
John Henry "Doc" Holliday
(great, great, great, great, great, great, great cousin)
Val Kilmer as Doc Holliday in the movie Tombstone back when he was SSSSEXY!
Ben Holladay the "Stage Coach King" who sold his business to a little known company at the time called Wells Fargo.
(great, great, great, great, etc. cousin or uncle)
That makes me an heir to Wells Fargo fortune then right? :P
And finally (you might as well hang in there, you've made it this far!) here is an amazing story of loss and endurance from the life of my great, great grandparents. This happened before my great grandfather was born.
"When my parents had five children, the oldest being eight years of age and the youngest only one year, my mother sent the oldest girl, Julia, to the Hyrum Bryan house to borrow some sugar. Because the family had diphtheria, mother told Julia not to go into the house but to leave the sugar bowl by the front gate and call to the family. Instead, she went in and got the disease, which she carried home. As a result, Julia Lovisa, Sarah Melissa, Mary Louisa and Thomas Riley, the baby, all died within twelve days. Mother also caught the disease as well as six-year-old Allen Jedediah. They both lived because a doctor arrived in town in time. The 5-year old girl, Mary Louisa told my father and mother that she knew the baby, Thomas Riley, would also die. She said that Sarah Melissa would get well. She promised father she would look after the other children. Mary Louisa died early one morning and at nine o’clock that morning Thomas Riley appeared to be well and was playing on the floor. He took sick and died by noon. They buried Thomas in Mary Louisa’s arms. Julia Lovisa died within the twelve day period but Allen Jedediah was saved."
Okay so that story didn't have a happy ending. Sorry! I just thought it beautiful that they buried some of the children together so they could take care of each other.
