Ethical Family History in Adoption

As I've mentioned before I am LDS and we Mo-Mo's love ourselves some genealogy. This year I've really committed myself to doing family history. However, it gets complicated in adoption and many of the tools out there are not set up handle it. My personal plan for River is to do family history for both his biological and adoptive lines. Adoptive lines are easy peasy livin' greasy. Unfortunately, in the biological lines I've found myself getting stuck when family members are unwilling to provide the information. Because I am not related to them I feel the need to respect their desire for a certain amount of privacy. However, their lineage is my son's lineage and I want to be able to provide him with as much information on his biological family history as possible.

So my question is this…. Is it ethical for me to go around them to get information on their ancestors? Should I wait until River is old enough that he can do the research himself? I'd love to hear everyone's thoughts on this subject so I know how to proceed in a respectful manner to all involved while still focusing on the most important reason for the work… River.

 

Infertiles Anonymous

Next week I have the privilege to spend time with Angie* as she prepares for and gives birth to her baby boy who seems bound and determined to make his appearance any day now. Though it may seem odd to the majority of the population that Angie would want me to be anywhere near her when she gives birth to her son (because of the emotions it may stir up) she and I wouldn't have it any other way. We are thick as thieves. Bonded for life. We have shared many good laughs about how weird our relationship must seem to those outside of it. From the inside, though, it feels like it was meant to be. Like that comfortable pair of shoes you've had since High School with your exact footprints molded in. But that is a subject for an entirely different post. This post is about my thoughts as I prepare to drive 10 hours into the land of fertility.

The land of fertility is the mid-sized town in Montana, where Angie lives. Much of my husband's large family lives in the same town. I am ecstatic to see my in-laws as I was extremely blessed with the family I married into. They are hilarious, lots of fun, and health nuts just like me. I wouldn't be raw if it weren't for my mother and father-in-law! However, visiting Montana brings with it quite a bit of anxiety because I will be spending the majority of my time with new and expecting mothers (hence "the land of fertility" title I've given the town). To be completely honest, I usually avoid new and expecting mothers like the plague. I'm not mature enough to be in their presence without lamenting my own conception woes until I eventually burst into tears. But they are my family. I love them. And I can't keep avoiding them.

Luckily, somewhere mid panic attack I thought that perhaps I need to be working on my own 12 Step Recovery Plan and decided to modify the 12 Steps of the Alcoholics Anonymous Program to fit my program (oh, so creatively) called Infertiles Anonymous:

1. I admit that I am powerless over my fertility—that I've allowed it to let my life become unmanageable.

2. I believe that a Power greater than myself can restore me to sanity.

3. I have made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand Him.

4. I have made a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself.

5. I have admitted to God, to myself, and to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs.

6. I am entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. I have humbly asked Him to remove my shortcomings.

8. I have made a list of all persons I have harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. I have made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. I have continued to take personal inventory and when I am wrong promptly admitted it.

11. I have sought through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God, as I understand Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, I will carry this message to other hurting infertile women and men, and to practice these principles in all my affairs.

 

It made me laugh and cry when I realized how meaningful these steps were to me. I've read and heard in many places that the psychological effects of infertility are on par with those of being diagnosed with a terminal disease. Some people in life are so good at bearing their crosses and making the best of it. By nature, I am not one of those people, though I have always wanted to be. Hopefully this is a good place to start. And I really mean START! I'm not even sure I can say I've completed the first step. But I will continue to write about my process and let you know how it goes.

* For those who don't know, Angie is my son's first mom.

Life lessons and Dr. Feelgood... because he's the one that makes you feel alright!

The past few months have taught me some serious life lessons. More than I would have ever volunteered for but certainly every one of them I've needed to learn and grow into the person I have always wanted to be.

Some of the things I have been up to and learning from:

• Left the company I had worked for, for 4 1/2 years to start a new engineering firm with two other business partners. I will never accuse people who work from home of "having it easy" EVER.AGAIN. Stick me back in a cubicle NOW!
  


• Miscarried again the weekend of Mother's Day. Oddly enough it was good news. I thought I had a fibroid tumor or was going into early menopause. I'll take unexpected miscarriage over that latter two any day!
  


• Trying like hell to keep my house from going into foreclosure. It is tough to pay the bills when both of our professions took a huge hit with the economy and we've been living off of one reduced income, savings and credit for WAY too long. Luckily our mortgage company seems willing to work with us.

It hasn't been all tears and frustrations, though. Here are some of the "Dr. Feelgoods" that have kept me sane:

• Gardening! I planted our first garden (potted style) this year. Tomatoes, basil, cilantro, mint, strawberries, spinach, bell peppers, potatoes, carrots, cantaloup, and cucumber. Despite several severe storms and hail I've managed to keep everything alive. My herbs have already produced harvest. We are getting close on the tomatoes, strawberries and bell peppers, too. Even if nothing comes of it, though, my garden has been my place of zen this summer.



• Vermi-composting! I won a bucket of composting worms at a composting class put on by the city I live in and I am obsessed with those little guys! It is amazing how each week they take stinky leftover food and yard waste and turn it into beautiful, dark, fertile earth. I've also noticed that our garbage can is only half full come garbage day each week. That warms my hippy heart!




• Extreme Couponing! I don't know why I did this to myself. I promised I would keep it simple this summer since I'm working my butt off helping to get a new company off the ground. It is anything but simple as I spend probably 8 hours a week in preparation and organization and now shop at anywhere from 7-10 grocery stores to work the deals. I certanily have not reached the extreme couponing status chronicled in the TLC show but when I get to the register and I watch my grocery bill shrink by 50-60% those beautiful endorphins start flowing!





• ATV Riding! I was raised with dirt bikes, and big four wheel vehicles that took me all over the mountains of Colorado and the slick rock of Moab, UT. As much as I've always enjoyed it I've never been caught up in the grips of it like I have become with ATV riding (or quad or whatever you call it). We don't have one of our own but we've got great friends (or dealers depending on how you see it :) willing to share theirs. For the 4th we went up to the beautiful Sawatch Mountain Range and saw some of the most beautiful country Colorado has to offer on an ATV.

Hopefully I'll get back into the swing of reading and writing again soon. I just saw Heather posted another Open Adoption prompt question...