Bill Murray

Billy Murray - Due January 15, 2008, Born May 2007

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart." ~ Jeremiah 1:5

First, I will explain why there is a picture of monkey in overalls with a guitar representing our little angel. On Bill Murray's due date we went to Build-A-Bear to make her tangible. We chose a monkey because we are goofy and LOVE to laugh. We added the sound of a lion's roar to her hand because we knew we would pass her down to her siblings and wanted them to know that she was there to watch over and protect them. And we gave her a little heart that said, "I am loved."

For a more detailed description of our story of how we found out we were expecting and how we found out we were returning our first child to the Lord read this post I wrote in honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, October 15th. I don't want to write too much as I tend to fall into the over dramatic trap easily. Hey, what can I say? I minored in Theatre in college :) Instead I want to share with you some cute pictures of Bill Murray and River with some of my favorite quotes... which may be just as dramatic as my own words but it makes me feel better knowing I'm not the only one.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declared the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and future.'" ~ Jeremiah 29:11

"... those angels can't ever take [our] place..." ~ Tori Amos

"As Long As I Live You Will Live

As Long As I Live You Will Be Remembered

As Long As I Live You Will Be Loved" ~ Author unknown

(Good ol' fashioned sibling wrasslin')

"There is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world" ~ Author unknown


"What we have once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes a part of us." ~ Helen Keller

(Shhhh! Don't tell Mom!)

"A family is a circle of love, not broken by a loss, but made stronger by the memories."

~Author Unknown

With infant or pregnancy loss the most commonly asked question is WHY? Why weren't we able to raise our daughter here on earth? It certainly could NOT be because we are dorks and potentially embarassing parents! I mean our family is completely, 100%, the exact definition of normal! As proof I submit to you the following:

See?!? Perfectly normal. And we most certainly DO NOT post embarrassing pictures of our children on the internet for the whole world to see.

We love you Bill Murray!

"I'll be home, I'll be home to take you in my arms." ~Tori Amos

A few thoughts on grieving before I close:

Shortly after we lost Bill Murray I read the following passage in the book of Job:

"Now when Job's three friends heard of all this evil that was come upon him, they came every one from his own place ... for they had made an appointment together to come to mourn with him and to comfort him. And when they lifted up their eyes afar off, and knew him not, they lifted up their voice, and wept; and they rent every one his mantle, and sprinkled dust upon their heads toward heaven. So they sat down with him upon the ground seven days and seven nights, and none spake a word unto him: for they saw that his grief was very great." ~ Job 2:11-13

For those who have not lost it is often difficult to know how to support those who have. Job's friends were right on the money... at first, of course, for those of you who are familiar with the rest of the story. They cried with him, they mourned with him and "none spake a word unto him: for they saw that his grief was very great."

The most comforting story I found after my miscarriage was a story my Mom told me about my niece. My Mom overheard her crying in her room one day. When she asked her what was the matter she said she was crying for her cousin (Bill Murray) who had passed away. It meant more than words can ever express to know that our pain was understood and felt by others. This January my sister texted me to let me know she was thinking about me knowing we would have been celebrating our child's 2nd birthday that month. Again, it meant more than words can ever express to me to know that I'm not the only one who hasn't forgotten.

Anniversaries

May is definitely a month of anniversaries. One of loss and two of beginnings. This month in 2007 we lost our precious Bill Murray... yes, we nick named our baby to be Bill Murray... after the actor. This month in 2008 Angie, Cory and I found out that she was expecting a boy. He officially had a name ready and waiting for him. Also, this month in 2008 I began this silly little blog :)

In honor of my 2 years of blogging here are two of the most random facts about me that I could think of:

- I was born the same year as Harry Potter. The fact that I know this is a whole new fact in and of itself.

- I can't stand eating yogurt with fruit already mixed in. It is a consistency thing. The consistency of the fruit makes me feel like I am chewing on the inside of dead people's cheeks. Yes, I just publicly admitted that.

In honor of 2 years since River officially received his name here are two ridiculously cute pictures of him:

Have I mentioned this kid likes trucks? He isn't always into reading but he will spend hours looking at books on trucks, trains, cars, motorcycles, etc.



Oh how I wish I could say that it was just random that we caught River picking his nose in this picture. Unfortunately, it is not random. It is the norm. When the thumb is in the mouth, the finger is in the nose. Try as we might we can't get him to break the habit. So instead we will just take lots of pictures to show his friends and girlfriends when he gets older.

Bill Murray will get her own little post as soon as I get my butt in gear and take the pictures to accompany the text.

LDN

Has anyone happened to notice that infertility has been occupying my mind a lot lately? :P River is days away from 20 months old and many of my friends (and my sister) who have kids River's age or younger are already into the 2nd trimester of their next pregnancy. Needless to say, I'm feeling the pressure stalled back here at the starting line waiting for my ticket to Australia.

The interesting part about this time around is that I have a new partner in infertility. A new supporter. A new cheerleader. And I have the honor of doing the same for her. Angie. Yes, River's Angie :) Once on different sides of the adoption triangle we are now parallel lines in infertility. We are the first person the other one calls when they find out someone else close to them is pregnant and we share each others tears. We are also the first person the other one calls when they find out about a new infertility treatment. Which is what led me to post this today.

During a doctor's visit about an unrelated topic Angie found out about LDN (low dose naltrexone) therapy for infertility. She immediately sent me a flurry of texts with info to research on the topic. Being that I'm not exactly a "satisfied employee" right now I decided to some research despite the fact that I should be working. Click here to check out the best article I have found so far on the topic. I love that is has a list of symptoms that many find LDN to help with. I am beyond excited about this because I know so many of you have suffered from unexplained infertility and unexplained miscarriage and this seems to address a whole new avenue that may very well explain some of our previously unexplainables!

Here is an exerp from the article:

Low dose naltrexone (LDN) has been used off label for the treatment of infertility and recurrent miscarriage by Dr. Thomas Hilgers, founder of the Pope Paul VI Institute for the Study of Human Reproduction, at Creighton University in Omaha Nebraska since the early1990s. Used as part of a treatment protocol known as NaPro Technology, LDN has been used as a treatment for infertility since 2004. The goal of NaPro Technology is to increase endorphin levels near the time of ovulation.

Read more at Suite101: Infertility Treatments: The Use of Low Dose Naltrexone (LDN) Therapy http://autoimmunedisease.suite101.com/article.cfm/infertility_treatments#ixzz0nkvTiX4r

Come on girls, lets book our plane tickets to Australia :) I call sitting by Angie!

This ain't yo mama's Mother's Day wish...

First off because it is a day late. And maybe even a buck short, too. But if you know me IRL you would never use the terms "punctual" or "good at time management" to describe me :)

Second, because this is not a Mother's Day wish for the mothers who fit the Hallmark mold. No offense or anything, because I am one of those mothers, too. It isn't because I don't think we deserve it because we do! But Hallmark and pretty much every retail store in this nation has recognized us until we have it coming out of our... well, you know. Most likely our children and/or husband/significant other made us breakfast and bought us flowers and celebrated all that we do on a daily basis. Most likely we smiled and cried happy tears when we read the Hallmark cards they bought us with their own personal loving messages. And most likely we went to bed with happy hearts and full arms last night.

So instead I would like to wish a Happy Mother's Day to those women whom Hallmark unfortunately overlooks. (Not that I'm doing a great job making up for it being a day late!)

Women who carried, cared for, and loved their babies for 9 months, endured the pain of bringing them into the world, continue carrying them in their hearts, and place them in the loving arms of a couple who couldn't carry a child of their own.

Women who carried, cared for, and loved their babies for anywhere from a matter of weeks to a matter of months before those precious children were called back home to Heaven.

Women who have endured unimaginable pain, invasive procedures, impersonal and or incompetent doctors, months, years, DECADES of waiting and watching innumerable women's growing bellies and baby showers but never get to see that illusive creature... those two parallel or perpendicular lines on a pregnancy test.

Women with special needs children that require every ounce of energy, love, and attention that they have to offer but still wake up every morning to put on her boxing gloves to fight for the rights, recognition and treatment that her children deserve.

These women work so hard, make amazing sacrifices for the benefit of others, and suffer unimaginable pain and yet there is not a section in the Mother's Day cards dedicated to them. So here is my Mother's Day card to them. Because I love each and every one of them. They have taught me so much and have given me so much. Without them I wouldn't be able to fit the Hallmark mold this Mother's Day.

"You say you want a revolution

Well you know

We all want to change the world"

"You ask me for a contribution

Well you know

We're all doing what we can."

~Lennon/McCartney

Dedicated to Angie, Rhiannon, Devika, Faith, Jodi, Jane, Dana, Tiffany, Jordanna, Ruth, Jenni and all the rest of you that are "doing what [you] can" and inspire me daily :)