Happy Halloween!

Humiliation...

Dear River,

You know I love you. We're tight. We're thick as theives. And I'm totally aware of the fact that you are only 2 years old. And that many years lay ahead of temper tantrums and public embarassment. And I won't blame you a bit. They come with the territory like diapers, sippy cups, and car seats. And if you ask Mimi she will tell you I threw the kind of temper tantrums you only hear about in books on parenting nightmares.

That said, would it be possible for me to make one tiny request? Really it isn't much. And I kind of think I have and will continue to earn this one... When you have a melt down in public could you make sure it isn't while we are in a parenting class? Because when I excuse us, make a break for the exit so the teachers can continue teaching without having to raise their voices above your tearful din, oh and then upset the other children when I have ask for them to return the toys you brought in I get "those" pesky looks from other parents. I hate those looks! You know, the ones that make me feel that perhaps the other parents should be the ones leaving and I should be the one sticking around.

Thanks a million, son. You're the best!

Love,
Mom

Humiliation... isn't that a virtue or something? Oh-no wait that is humility. Sorry, my bad.

Mother of the Year Award

As a mother I am constantly evaluating my mothering skills. Did I handle this tantrum well? Am I reading to him often enough? Should I have let him spend that extra 30 minutes in a wet diaper because I'm a hippy and hate to waste? I know I'm not alone. We women are overly critical (and sometimes even overly praising) of ourselves over what really is much more luck than we'd like to admit.

Though I tend toward the overly critical there is one thing I have managed to teach my son to do that I am rather proud of. No, I didn't mangage teach him:

• the names and capitals of all the states,


• how to read at a 5th grade level, or


• how to play a fiddle so well he most certainly would walk away from any contest with one of the golden variety.

It is something far more simple. And much more hilarious. I taught my son to laugh hysterically when someone burps or toots. Now wait! Before you go gasping in horror over the lack of manners for which I am advocating let me ask you this:

At the end of the day when you are stressed, when you're carrying burdens that feel they will break you down, how can you not follow suit when a cute little toddler dissolves into giggles after tooting twice in a row? Seriously, it is the Balm of Gilead to my soul. But then again, maybe I'm just too immature to be a mother.

Doh! There I go again :)

"The most wasted of all days is one without laughter." ~ e.e. cummings

Antarctica

So I was listening to this song the other day... (I'm starting to get predictable, all of my IF posts start this way).... with the following lyric:

"Antarctica, my only living relative."

The song is called Antarctica and is by The Weepies. I'm pretty sure the song was written about the appealing simplicity of the continent but I connected to this lyric for an entirely different reason. I feel like I'm related to Antartica. Like I'm a large continent made of ice. Put more bluntly I feel like I've become a cold hearted bitch. All because infertility hurts me REALLY bad and I don't know how to process those emotions.

This is far and away the worst part of my trip to the Land of IF... That I've become someone I never imagined or even remotely like. That many friendships with amazing women that I have nurtured for years, friendships that have provided great comfort over the years crumble as soon as they announce what should be good news. I fear daily what will happen if I do eventually get pregnant. Will I have anyone left to celebrate with me? Or by then will I have completely alienated myself?

If I had to choose between either a) never getting pregnant and being able to mourn that loss healthy or b) getting pregnant eventually but wallowing in sorrow until then I would choose a) without a moments hesitation. Too bad said multiple choice is not available on my life test. Right now I feel like it will be the worst of both options.

To all those I know who I have hidden from and been angry with for rediculous IF reasons, please forgive me. I don't want to be related to Antarctica but for the time being it is all I know.

"It's hard to accept yourself as someone you don't desire, as someone you don't want to be."

~ Laura Marling, Rambling Man