Grieving Infertility

I am a sucker for a well written sad song. Even when I am in the happiest of moods I gladly embrace them and emerge on the other side with a smile on my face. They don't get me down. Instead listening to them is an uplifting experience. That moment of brief camaraderie is enough to lift my spirit and soothe my soul.

I know, right? What sick, twisted type of individual am I?

It reminds me of the "Far Side" cartoon with the cowboy leaned up against a covered wagon with a dozen or so arrows in his heart. In the infinite wisdom that all cartoon bubbles encapsulate the cowboy is saying something to the effect of, "It hurts, but it hurts so good." Well said, Mr. Larson, well said! That is exactly how I feel about a well written sad song!

As of late I have been really digging the band Noah and the Whale. Listening to their first album was almost a religious experience. I know, I know that is sacreligious to say but doesn't the word music in one language literally translate to mean "God flesh?" Hmmm, I'll get back to you on that one. I'm seriously digressing here...

Today I was listening to Noah's second album inspired by the lead singer's painful break up. So cliche but trust me, it hurts but it hurts so good! A line in one of the songs on the album says, "You know in a year it's going to be better... You know in a year I'm gonna be happy." As I sat in my cubicle discretely trying to sing along it hit me. That is why infertility is so difficult to grieve. It is not a singular event with pain that numbs and heals with the years. Instead it is a continual event. One that I may find brief respite from now and then but one that pierces my heart every time that evil monthly visitor mockingly arrives tap dancing with a wicked grin.

...And again when someone announces they are pregnant in person or on facebook. Or even worse - when they wait until their pregnant belly makes the announcement.

....And again when I watch their belly grow while mine remains a muffin top at best.

...And again when I get an invitation to a baby shower.

...And again when I over hear a celebratory conversation with a pregnant woman and her friends.

...And again when I go to get my annual exam and notice I'm the only flat belly in the room.

...And again when a co-worker mistakes me for someone who wants to hear about all the women who've been laid off at work recently but now are pregnant. Dammit! Why did they keep me around?

...And again when it seems every woman I pass on the street is at least in the final weeks of her second trimester.

...And again when I see commercials, tv shows or movies that have a pregnant woman somehow involved. Seriously, even if she is an extra in the blurry background.

....And worst of all when I realize that relationships with pregnant family and friends have become strained because a) I can't kick my damn competitive streak and b) they can't understand why I'm not "over it" yet.

How does one grieve a continual event like that? I wonder if I will ever get over it. I guess in the mean time I've always got my well written sad songs.

"... if I sit here and weep

I'll be blown over by the slightest of breeze."

~'Rambling Man' by Laura Marling*

* former member of Noah and the Whale who broke up with the lead singer leading to an amazing second album sans her but chock full of well written sad songs as mentioned above :)

The Adoption Blogosphere

For over two years now I've been close friends with the wonderful goddess that is the Adoption Blogosphere. We've shared our most intimate, honest thoughts and feelings over tears, over smiles, over piles of work that I should be doing instead, over sleepless nights, over steaming cups of chamomile tea. I have learned from her, I've grown as an adoptive parent and as a person in general. Through her I've met the most amazing people. People that I've never met in real life, some that don't even know I exist, but people that I love like we've been friends since grade school. People that I cry with and pray for. People that I have nothing and yet everything in common with.

Tired of just reading the fluffy stuff written by other adoptive parents I recently began really getting into the blogs written by the other two sides in the adoption triangle. While I didn't expect flowers, bunnies, and rainbows I was in no way prepared for the depth of negative, angry emotion that I would encounter. Don't get me wrong. Not all are angry. Some are quite positive, others a mix of the two. Regardless of their status on the sliding scale of emotions I became enthralled with their thoughts and feelings. I felt the need to figure out how to prevent or how I would work through each individual situation in the most supportive manner if either River or Angie were to express similar thoughts and feelings. That led to my downfall. That led to the 20 car pile up in my head. Because I couldn't understand where the negative emotions were coming from I often flip-flopped between a desire to fight to defend the honor of myself, River and Angie from their generalized accusations and a desire to hitch a ride with Marty McFly to help right the wrongs that have been done to cause it all.

After a few months of this I realized I was in over my head. I was caught up in the "what ifs." I was absent from the present. I was absent from my son's reality, from Angie's reality. Instead of asking what they need from me I was busy assuming I already knew because of some blog I was reading.

So, my dear friend Adoption Blogosphere I feel it is time that we loose the bond that has tied us together. Not because I don't believe your voices need to be heard. On the contrary I believe they ALL need to be heard. Even the deepest, darkest, angriest ones. Adoption needs reform and it will only come from within. We will only be motivated to push for these reforms when we read those things that make us uncomfotable but that instigate self evaluation and growth. I have learned a lot from you and one of the things I have learned most is that I can't force emotions or reactions on my son. I need to be where he can share his own with me. I am needed here:

and here....

and here:

and most certainly here:

because a) they are having so much fun! and b) look how close those knives are to my bathing son! What kind of mother allows such an unsafe environment for her child?

I won't stop blogging and I won't stop reading. Instead I will listen the most to the other sides of MY adoption triangle and let THEIR emotions trigger action in me.

Kent this is Arnie Pie with Arnie in the Sky. It looks like they have just removed the last of the wreckage from the 20 car pile up that had made such a mess of one poor girl's head. Traffic is officially flowing again. Whew!

Agh, there is a 20 car pile-up in my head right now!

I think I have written at least 5 posts since my last post but have yet to post them because just when I get started my mind goes all crazy, I can't focus, I cry, I start writing the whole thing from scratch and then I give up for another day. So, in the mean time while I work my crazy brain out please enjoy this gem of a picture.

I love warm summer days when my little boy can run around with the dogs wearing nothing but his yellow rain boots!

p.s. Said mental pile up is not the result of any major life changes (i.e. pregnancy, adoption #2, major move, job and/or career change, etc. though I SO wish I could say it was!). Just thought I would clarify since the intro to the post may be misinterpreted as a prelude to an announcement.

I've got high hopes!

If someone were to enquire about my organizational skills I would respond that I have none. That I was born with a rare disease that hindered the development of that part of my brain. As a result our budget is not balanced, our house is quite cluttered, and it literally takes me 4 hours to get ready in the morning. Now, don't think me a narcissist. I don't spend 4 hours on myself. My problem is I don't have a set schedule for my morning and as a result spend hours of disorganized effort exercising, doing small chores, completing all necessary tasks to get myself and River ready for the day, fixing lunches, goofing off, etc. This wouldn't be an issue if I was lucky enough to be a stay at home mom. Alas I am not. Instead I work almost full time.

I usually get up and going around 6:00 am. I try to accomplish as much as possible before 8:00 am because that is generally when River gets up. When he gets up he wants to be a part of everything I am doing. While I love that he loves to be with me it slows my progress down to the equivalent of slow-motion replay. It is generally 10:00 before I'm out the door and I still have to drop River off at his nanny's. After that, I'm not to work until 10:30 yet have to fit in an 8 hour day of work. No one benefits from this lack of a schedule. I'm cranky in the morning and in the evening when I get home.

During one morning conversation with River's nanny she recommended I find River a "morning toy" that only came out in the morning so it was special and captured his attention so I wouldn't hit the slow-mo as soon as he woke up. I loved the idea and after some brainstorming decided that I should get one of those garages with multi-levels and slides for cars and trucks. Luckily it turned out that just such a toy was gathering dust in my parent's basement now that my nephew is too old to play with it!

We've had this toy now for one week, thanks to my wonderful Mom! It has truly been heaven sent. Unfortunately is can't solve the rest of my disorganization woes. Does anyone else have any good organizational tips? I'm not just looking for those that help streamline my morning routine. I'm looking for anything on how to balance time with family, time at work, and the time required to maintain a house/yard, etc.

Thank you to everyone in advance. I've got high hopes :)