To teach or not to teach...

It is approaching 1 AM here in Colorful Colorado and though I've been up since 4:45 AM yesterday morning I can't fall asleep. My mind is brim full of thoughts developed during the FSA conference I attended today... well actually now yesterday. My plan is to (eventually) post every day for six days sharing my thoughts on each of the 3 classes I attended, the 2 panels I attended and of course Kelsey's keynote speech (which totally rocked!).

For now though, I thought I would pose a question to everyone to get your opinions. The question is about when to speak up and educate and when to leave well enough alone. That is a big theme in the book I am reading right now as part of the Adoption Reading Challenge and was mentioned several times today in the conference as well. Though my particular situation involves the issue of infertility it can apply to any form of grief. So please do not hesitate to respond just because infertility isn't what you've experienced. I'm looking for general advice on when it is good to teach or not to teach about grief.

Thursday afternoon one of my coworkers, who's wife is expecting, came in late because they had just been to the ultrasound for their baby on the way. Most people around the office assume that because I'm a girl I want to see ultrasound pictures, talk with happy expecting mothers, and coo over newborn babies. Let me just state for the record though I am a girl I am NOT interested in any of these. As a matter of fact they are a mild form of torture for me. I don't hide my emotions well and don't want to burst into tears when they expect me to be all smiles. As my coworker approached with ultrasounds in hand I had an overwhelming desire to be completely honest with him say, "I'm sorry but I thought it would be best to let you know that I have struggled with infertility for almost 5 years now and pregnancy and new baby stuff is very painful for me. So while I appreciate you being willing to share with me such exciting news I prefer to be excited for you at a distance." Now of course I chickened out, hitched on a fake smile and looked at the ultrasound pictures for the shortest period of time possible without seeming rude.

This coworker and I have a lot in common. We have similar interest in music and often talk about it. He is super friendly and a really nice guy just a few years younger than me. Previously I would have said that educational discussions should be limited to friends and family. However, when many are not allowed to grieve whatever they are experiencing because we live in a society where grief is preferrably swept under the rug would I have been doing a service by being honest with this coworker even though he isn't really a friend or family member? What would you have done if your coworker or aquaintance hit on a sensitive issue for you? Would you teach or not teach? That is my question.

"To be, or not to be - that is the question

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles

And by opposing end them."

~ Hamlet, William Shakespeare

I feel ya, Hammy.

The Year of the Rabbit

Today begins the year of the Rabbit according to Chinese tradition. I read here that the year of the Rabbit, the fourth year in the 12 year cycle of the Chinese zodiac, "is traditionally associated with home and family, artistic pursuits, diplomacy, and keeping the peace. Therefore, 2011 is very likely to be a relatively calmer one than 2010 both on the world scene, as well as on a personal level." Don't know how what is going on in Egypt falls in line with that, but my 2011 hasn't been any quieter than 2010, either.

All I know is that when I heard this was the year of the Rabbit my mind went somewhere else! So here's to family, diplomacy, peace and to everyone ttc... the (re)productivity that rabbits are known for as well.

Happy Year of the Rabbit!

Thankful Thursday

Today I have picked two things to sing my public praises for:

The Book of Luke - Yes, Luke as in the Apostle who's book is one of the Four Canonical Gospels in that old book that calls itself the New Testament. The same Book of Luke that begins with the most famous telling of Christ's birth (Luke 2:1-20). I decided to read the whole book this month and it has single handedly saved my grinchy heart this season.

It also starts out with one of my [least] favorite topics. Infertility! It tells of Elisabeth and her husband Zacharias and their struggles with infertility. In case you aren't hip to it, Elisabeth is the mother of John the Baptist and cousin of Mary, the mother of Jesus. How much would it have sucked if she didn't get pregnant with John prior to Mary getting pregnant with Jesus? Nothing like being "well stricken with years" and "barren" (Luke 1:7) and finding out your underage cousin is pregnant out of wedlock :) I tease, I tease!

Curious George the show on PBS Kids - I rely on this crazy little monkey every morning for 30 minutes of uninterrupted time to make progress towards getting myself and River out the door. River is still not all that interested in TV but will drop everything to watch Curious George run amok. And he'll laugh and point at George throughout the entire show. It is just one big, 30 minute ball of productivity and cuteness :)

Antarctica

So I was listening to this song the other day... (I'm starting to get predictable, all of my IF posts start this way).... with the following lyric:

"Antarctica, my only living relative."

The song is called Antarctica and is by The Weepies. I'm pretty sure the song was written about the appealing simplicity of the continent but I connected to this lyric for an entirely different reason. I feel like I'm related to Antartica. Like I'm a large continent made of ice. Put more bluntly I feel like I've become a cold hearted bitch. All because infertility hurts me REALLY bad and I don't know how to process those emotions.

This is far and away the worst part of my trip to the Land of IF... That I've become someone I never imagined or even remotely like. That many friendships with amazing women that I have nurtured for years, friendships that have provided great comfort over the years crumble as soon as they announce what should be good news. I fear daily what will happen if I do eventually get pregnant. Will I have anyone left to celebrate with me? Or by then will I have completely alienated myself?

If I had to choose between either a) never getting pregnant and being able to mourn that loss healthy or b) getting pregnant eventually but wallowing in sorrow until then I would choose a) without a moments hesitation. Too bad said multiple choice is not available on my life test. Right now I feel like it will be the worst of both options.

To all those I know who I have hidden from and been angry with for rediculous IF reasons, please forgive me. I don't want to be related to Antarctica but for the time being it is all I know.

"It's hard to accept yourself as someone you don't desire, as someone you don't want to be."

~ Laura Marling, Rambling Man

Grieving Infertility

I am a sucker for a well written sad song. Even when I am in the happiest of moods I gladly embrace them and emerge on the other side with a smile on my face. They don't get me down. Instead listening to them is an uplifting experience. That moment of brief camaraderie is enough to lift my spirit and soothe my soul.

I know, right? What sick, twisted type of individual am I?

It reminds me of the "Far Side" cartoon with the cowboy leaned up against a covered wagon with a dozen or so arrows in his heart. In the infinite wisdom that all cartoon bubbles encapsulate the cowboy is saying something to the effect of, "It hurts, but it hurts so good." Well said, Mr. Larson, well said! That is exactly how I feel about a well written sad song!

As of late I have been really digging the band Noah and the Whale. Listening to their first album was almost a religious experience. I know, I know that is sacreligious to say but doesn't the word music in one language literally translate to mean "God flesh?" Hmmm, I'll get back to you on that one. I'm seriously digressing here...

Today I was listening to Noah's second album inspired by the lead singer's painful break up. So cliche but trust me, it hurts but it hurts so good! A line in one of the songs on the album says, "You know in a year it's going to be better... You know in a year I'm gonna be happy." As I sat in my cubicle discretely trying to sing along it hit me. That is why infertility is so difficult to grieve. It is not a singular event with pain that numbs and heals with the years. Instead it is a continual event. One that I may find brief respite from now and then but one that pierces my heart every time that evil monthly visitor mockingly arrives tap dancing with a wicked grin.

...And again when someone announces they are pregnant in person or on facebook. Or even worse - when they wait until their pregnant belly makes the announcement.

....And again when I watch their belly grow while mine remains a muffin top at best.

...And again when I get an invitation to a baby shower.

...And again when I over hear a celebratory conversation with a pregnant woman and her friends.

...And again when I go to get my annual exam and notice I'm the only flat belly in the room.

...And again when a co-worker mistakes me for someone who wants to hear about all the women who've been laid off at work recently but now are pregnant. Dammit! Why did they keep me around?

...And again when it seems every woman I pass on the street is at least in the final weeks of her second trimester.

...And again when I see commercials, tv shows or movies that have a pregnant woman somehow involved. Seriously, even if she is an extra in the blurry background.

....And worst of all when I realize that relationships with pregnant family and friends have become strained because a) I can't kick my damn competitive streak and b) they can't understand why I'm not "over it" yet.

How does one grieve a continual event like that? I wonder if I will ever get over it. I guess in the mean time I've always got my well written sad songs.

"... if I sit here and weep

I'll be blown over by the slightest of breeze."

~'Rambling Man' by Laura Marling*

* former member of Noah and the Whale who broke up with the lead singer leading to an amazing second album sans her but chock full of well written sad songs as mentioned above :)

... turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers...

No, this is not a belated Father's Day post. Instead, this post is related to my previous post regarding my recent ephiphany. As of late I feel as though I've been consumed with sorrow, anger, frustration and jealousy regarding my inability to get pregnant. It has become an obsession of mine. And obsessions are never healthy. A&E even has an award winning television series proving just that! So, I've reached out to some friends for advice to help tackle my demons because I'm a talker. I want to talk out EVERYTHING hoping someone will say just the right thing to turn that dark bulb over my head light. Unfortunately, this has only taught me that infertility effects everyone differently and most women it has not effected as negatively as it has me. (Don't give up reading now if you are afraid this is just going to be a bunch of whining. I promise it has a happy ending!)

So I've been trying to "back up" as I told my son to do and figure out how I can get rid of all of this anger and negativity. I am proud to announce that I have FINALLY found the solution to my problem. THANK GOODNESS the answer is NOT to pretend to be excited for expectant mothers and try to subdue my feelings of jealousy in hopes that eventually my pretence would become sincere. I realized this effort was my equivalent of River's cart wheel stuck on a post. When has pretence ever lead to sincerity? Instead the answer came as I was preparing a lesson for the Sunday School class I teach at church. (Again, don't give up reading now if you are afraid this is going to be a bible thumping post, the answer is not for religious folks only). As I prepared the lesson I read the following verses:

"Behold, I will send you Elijah the prophet before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the Lord. And he shall turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers..." Malachi 4:5-6

and

"... he shall go before him in the spirit and power of Elias (another name used often to refer to the prophet Elijah), to turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the disobedient to the wisdom of the just; to make ready a people prepared for the Lord." Luke 1:17

The lesson, in case you can't tell from the super cryptic bible verses, was about keeping family history records. Yes, I'm LDS and we "Mo-Mo's" love ourselves some good ol' fashioned geneology!

I know this is dramatic but sometimes it feels like I've reached MY great and dreadful day, and I would LOVE the wisdom of the just to get me through it. Come on down Elijah, the price is most certainly right! So I've decided to turn my heart to my "fathers" through family history work so that I may ground myself in the life lessons of those who have come before me. So many of which involve the loss of many children in pregnancy, labor, and in childhood. And turn my heart to my "children" by keeping River's records so that he too can learn from them.

Please know that I am under no false impression that this will solve everything. There will still be difficult, angry days but they will be far less in number and that's all right with me. My plan is to work mostly in Cory's family history as both of my grandparents have done amazing work totalling 20,000+ names on both my maternal and paternal sides going as far back as the 15th century! I also want to compile River's biological family history and I am the most excited about this work.

Since I don't want a pictureless post again here are a few pictures of my famous/infamous ancestors...

John Henry "Doc" Holliday

(great, great, great, great, great, great, great cousin)

Val Kilmer as Doc Holliday in the movie Tombstone back when he was SSSSEXY!

Ben Holladay the "Stage Coach King" who sold his business to a little known company at the time called Wells Fargo.

(great, great, great, great, etc. cousin or uncle)

That makes me an heir to Wells Fargo fortune then right? :P

And finally (you might as well hang in there, you've made it this far!) here is an amazing story of loss and endurance from the life of my great, great grandparents. This happened before my great grandfather was born.

"When my parents had five children, the oldest being eight years of age and the youngest only one year, my mother sent the oldest girl, Julia, to the Hyrum Bryan house to borrow some sugar. Because the family had diphtheria, mother told Julia not to go into the house but to leave the sugar bowl by the front gate and call to the family. Instead, she went in and got the disease, which she carried home. As a result, Julia Lovisa, Sarah Melissa, Mary Louisa and Thomas Riley, the baby, all died within twelve days. Mother also caught the disease as well as six-year-old Allen Jedediah. They both lived because a doctor arrived in town in time. The 5-year old girl, Mary Louisa told my father and mother that she knew the baby, Thomas Riley, would also die. She said that Sarah Melissa would get well. She promised father she would look after the other children. Mary Louisa died early one morning and at nine o’clock that morning Thomas Riley appeared to be well and was playing on the floor. He took sick and died by noon. They buried Thomas in Mary Louisa’s arms. Julia Lovisa died within the twelve day period but Allen Jedediah was saved."

Okay so that story didn't have a happy ending. Sorry! I just thought it beautiful that they buried some of the children together so they could take care of each other.

Bill Murray

Billy Murray - Due January 15, 2008, Born May 2007

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart." ~ Jeremiah 1:5

First, I will explain why there is a picture of monkey in overalls with a guitar representing our little angel. On Bill Murray's due date we went to Build-A-Bear to make her tangible. We chose a monkey because we are goofy and LOVE to laugh. We added the sound of a lion's roar to her hand because we knew we would pass her down to her siblings and wanted them to know that she was there to watch over and protect them. And we gave her a little heart that said, "I am loved."

For a more detailed description of our story of how we found out we were expecting and how we found out we were returning our first child to the Lord read this post I wrote in honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, October 15th. I don't want to write too much as I tend to fall into the over dramatic trap easily. Hey, what can I say? I minored in Theatre in college :) Instead I want to share with you some cute pictures of Bill Murray and River with some of my favorite quotes... which may be just as dramatic as my own words but it makes me feel better knowing I'm not the only one.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declared the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and future.'" ~ Jeremiah 29:11

"... those angels can't ever take [our] place..." ~ Tori Amos

"As Long As I Live You Will Live

As Long As I Live You Will Be Remembered

As Long As I Live You Will Be Loved" ~ Author unknown

(Good ol' fashioned sibling wrasslin')

"There is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world" ~ Author unknown


"What we have once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes a part of us." ~ Helen Keller

(Shhhh! Don't tell Mom!)

"A family is a circle of love, not broken by a loss, but made stronger by the memories."

~Author Unknown

With infant or pregnancy loss the most commonly asked question is WHY? Why weren't we able to raise our daughter here on earth? It certainly could NOT be because we are dorks and potentially embarassing parents! I mean our family is completely, 100%, the exact definition of normal! As proof I submit to you the following:

See?!? Perfectly normal. And we most certainly DO NOT post embarrassing pictures of our children on the internet for the whole world to see.

We love you Bill Murray!

"I'll be home, I'll be home to take you in my arms." ~Tori Amos

A few thoughts on grieving before I close:

Shortly after we lost Bill Murray I read the following passage in the book of Job:

"Now when Job's three friends heard of all this evil that was come upon him, they came every one from his own place ... for they had made an appointment together to come to mourn with him and to comfort him. And when they lifted up their eyes afar off, and knew him not, they lifted up their voice, and wept; and they rent every one his mantle, and sprinkled dust upon their heads toward heaven. So they sat down with him upon the ground seven days and seven nights, and none spake a word unto him: for they saw that his grief was very great." ~ Job 2:11-13

For those who have not lost it is often difficult to know how to support those who have. Job's friends were right on the money... at first, of course, for those of you who are familiar with the rest of the story. They cried with him, they mourned with him and "none spake a word unto him: for they saw that his grief was very great."

The most comforting story I found after my miscarriage was a story my Mom told me about my niece. My Mom overheard her crying in her room one day. When she asked her what was the matter she said she was crying for her cousin (Bill Murray) who had passed away. It meant more than words can ever express to know that our pain was understood and felt by others. This January my sister texted me to let me know she was thinking about me knowing we would have been celebrating our child's 2nd birthday that month. Again, it meant more than words can ever express to me to know that I'm not the only one who hasn't forgotten.

LDN

Has anyone happened to notice that infertility has been occupying my mind a lot lately? :P River is days away from 20 months old and many of my friends (and my sister) who have kids River's age or younger are already into the 2nd trimester of their next pregnancy. Needless to say, I'm feeling the pressure stalled back here at the starting line waiting for my ticket to Australia.

The interesting part about this time around is that I have a new partner in infertility. A new supporter. A new cheerleader. And I have the honor of doing the same for her. Angie. Yes, River's Angie :) Once on different sides of the adoption triangle we are now parallel lines in infertility. We are the first person the other one calls when they find out someone else close to them is pregnant and we share each others tears. We are also the first person the other one calls when they find out about a new infertility treatment. Which is what led me to post this today.

During a doctor's visit about an unrelated topic Angie found out about LDN (low dose naltrexone) therapy for infertility. She immediately sent me a flurry of texts with info to research on the topic. Being that I'm not exactly a "satisfied employee" right now I decided to some research despite the fact that I should be working. Click here to check out the best article I have found so far on the topic. I love that is has a list of symptoms that many find LDN to help with. I am beyond excited about this because I know so many of you have suffered from unexplained infertility and unexplained miscarriage and this seems to address a whole new avenue that may very well explain some of our previously unexplainables!

Here is an exerp from the article:

Low dose naltrexone (LDN) has been used off label for the treatment of infertility and recurrent miscarriage by Dr. Thomas Hilgers, founder of the Pope Paul VI Institute for the Study of Human Reproduction, at Creighton University in Omaha Nebraska since the early1990s. Used as part of a treatment protocol known as NaPro Technology, LDN has been used as a treatment for infertility since 2004. The goal of NaPro Technology is to increase endorphin levels near the time of ovulation.

Read more at Suite101: Infertility Treatments: The Use of Low Dose Naltrexone (LDN) Therapy http://autoimmunedisease.suite101.com/article.cfm/infertility_treatments#ixzz0nkvTiX4r

Come on girls, lets book our plane tickets to Australia :) I call sitting by Angie!

This ain't yo mama's Mother's Day wish...

First off because it is a day late. And maybe even a buck short, too. But if you know me IRL you would never use the terms "punctual" or "good at time management" to describe me :)

Second, because this is not a Mother's Day wish for the mothers who fit the Hallmark mold. No offense or anything, because I am one of those mothers, too. It isn't because I don't think we deserve it because we do! But Hallmark and pretty much every retail store in this nation has recognized us until we have it coming out of our... well, you know. Most likely our children and/or husband/significant other made us breakfast and bought us flowers and celebrated all that we do on a daily basis. Most likely we smiled and cried happy tears when we read the Hallmark cards they bought us with their own personal loving messages. And most likely we went to bed with happy hearts and full arms last night.

So instead I would like to wish a Happy Mother's Day to those women whom Hallmark unfortunately overlooks. (Not that I'm doing a great job making up for it being a day late!)

Women who carried, cared for, and loved their babies for 9 months, endured the pain of bringing them into the world, continue carrying them in their hearts, and place them in the loving arms of a couple who couldn't carry a child of their own.

Women who carried, cared for, and loved their babies for anywhere from a matter of weeks to a matter of months before those precious children were called back home to Heaven.

Women who have endured unimaginable pain, invasive procedures, impersonal and or incompetent doctors, months, years, DECADES of waiting and watching innumerable women's growing bellies and baby showers but never get to see that illusive creature... those two parallel or perpendicular lines on a pregnancy test.

Women with special needs children that require every ounce of energy, love, and attention that they have to offer but still wake up every morning to put on her boxing gloves to fight for the rights, recognition and treatment that her children deserve.

These women work so hard, make amazing sacrifices for the benefit of others, and suffer unimaginable pain and yet there is not a section in the Mother's Day cards dedicated to them. So here is my Mother's Day card to them. Because I love each and every one of them. They have taught me so much and have given me so much. Without them I wouldn't be able to fit the Hallmark mold this Mother's Day.

"You say you want a revolution

Well you know

We all want to change the world"

"You ask me for a contribution

Well you know

We're all doing what we can."

~Lennon/McCartney

Dedicated to Angie, Rhiannon, Devika, Faith, Jodi, Jane, Dana, Tiffany, Jordanna, Ruth, Jenni and all the rest of you that are "doing what [you] can" and inspire me daily :)

Moses v. Aaron

I'm not sure how many of your are familiar with the entirety of Moses' story as he fought to free the Isrealites from bondage in Egypt. The Old Testament certainly isn't a #1 New York Best Seller that the masses stand in line for at midnight dressed as their favorite "character." And I've only ever seen bits and pieces of the movie "The Ten Commandments", the story's only exposure to mainstream media, so I don't know how detailed/accurate the movie was.

For those who haven't read the Old Testament, seriously, go out and read it! Even if you aren't particularly religious or even Christian or Jewish because let me tell you, no other book provided me with the support I needed through infertility and pregnancy loss like the OT did. (See, we are such good friends now I lovingly refer to it by my pet name for it - OT :) Not only does it openly discuss infertility (probably the first book to do so!) but it also has great examples on how to grieve for yourself and for others. Ahem... the Book of Job. LIFE CHANGING!!! The Book of Isaiah... Literature at its finest! Beautiful, thought provoking and challenging.

Okay, I'm off my soap box now back to Moses. When God called Moses to speak to the Pharoh about releasing the Isrealites from bondage he was very overwhelmed. He had what he obscurely describes as "trouble with speech" and felt he was not capable of persuading the Pharoh to release his people. I immediately warmed to Moses when I read this because I've always considered myself as someone who has trouble with speech. I often stumble over words or lose the right words completely and have to rely on simpler, less accurate words. Especially when I am particularly emotional. So, what did Moses do to overcome his "trouble with speech?"

Anyone?

Anyone?

Bueller?

Bueller?

He asked his brother Aaron who was good with speech to speak on his behalf. Sorry, that was probably anti-climactic :) Perhaps you were hoping for some age old secret on successful public speaking? Hey, passing the buck does work when possible! So, as an infertile Moses I would like to direct you to a post written by one of my infertile Aarons. Her name is Faith. If you have experienced infertility, make sure when you read this you are somewhere private as it will make you want to pump your fists Jersey style and shout "Amens" and "Hallelujah's" to the heavens. If you have not experienced infertility be prepared to come as close as possible to experiencing it first hand through her words.

What IF

It was written as part of a project commemorating National Infertility Awareness Week called Project IF. I will be posting my own What IF within the next few days. Just don't expect it to convince you to free the Isrealites ;)

"Let my people go!"

Fear and Loathing in TTC

Note: For those of you not hip to the infertility cyber lingo TTC is short for trying to conceive.

Confession - When it comes to run ins with the law I am squeaky clean. Except for the scarlet letter of my first, and only (knock on wood) speeding ticket back when I was 17. Suffice it to say, "enough time" has passed since then such that even my insurance company doesn't care about it anymore.

Okay, so I know that is not a very juicy confession... but here is where it gets good! Or at least a little better :) Is my squeaky clean record a result of the success of my parents in convincing me that rules are meant to be honored? Can I get a HELL NO?! My parents would laugh in my face if I tried to pretend it was. In reality it is because I literally LOATH being told that I can't do what I am doing by an authority figure (any adult, teacher or law enforcement officer) other than my parents of course. It makes my blood boil. It brings out my inner doppleganger. So, to keep my dark side at bay I avoid stepping outside of the lines.

Now, what do my doppleganger and record of not causing trouble have to do with TTC? I am absolutely petrified of getting back into TTC. The mere thought is enough to get my body shaking and my most recent meal trying to force its way back up to the surface.

The reason I FEAR getting back into TTC so much? I fear my body, God, the Universe, or whichever authority figure is responsible for my pervious fertility issues again will say, "NO! I order you to stop what you are doin' right now!" Then, with a big wad of chaw in the lower lip, hands on gun belt, and a southern drawl will ask me, "What were you thinkin'? What made you think you could git away with git'n pregnant or successfully giv'n birth to yer own child? We have laws 'round here! We have society to think of! Children to protect! ... People like you make me sick!"

Secret Thoughts of an Infertile Mother

A harmless conversation about a carseat...

Friend: "What do you plan on doing with your carseat once River grows out of it?"

Me: "Well, I figured we'd keep it for our next child."

Friend: "Oh, okay. I was just wondering because a couple I know is pregnant and looking to find a good deal on some of those big items they'll need."

Me: "Wow, that is exciting for them."

How I interpreted the conversation through my infertile glasses and how I wish I would have responded.

Friend: "What do you plan on doing with your carseat once River grows out of it?"

Me: "What gave you the impression that River would be our only child? Isn't it customary to keep these things and reuse them for subsequent children?"

Friend: "Oh sorry, I figured you wouldn't have anymore because you weren't able to get pregnant before and you can't really afford another adoption and/or expensive infertility treatments right now... So I thought you might be willing to sell it to a couple who actually can reproduce."

Me: "Oh yeah, well all you people who don't have to subject your bodies to all sorts of medicines, exams, pokes and prods or wait for someone else to deem you 'fit' to be a parent can just-" hmmm... perhaps it would be best not to finish that particular thought :P

Note: I KNOW my friend did not intend to hurt my feelings by asking the question but my heart is on my sleeve permanently it seems and that makes it difficult not to offend at times.

Speaking of offended/offensive on facebook I am part of a group called "Mother's Circle." Apparently, this leads facebook to believe that I want to see advertisements for pregnancy related services or products. So a good portion of the time there is some sort of an advertisement with a happy woman caressing her baby bump on the right margin of my home page.

I ask facebook to remove them and when it prompts me to give a reason why, I choose the "Offensive" option. I'm sure that option is probably for people who might consider certain advertisements pornographic, lewd or lacivious. But just so you know, facebook, stuck between a rock and a hard place I would actually choose those kind of advertisements over pictures of pregnant woman!

Luckily, though, I do have moments of enlightenment when I realize the folly of my ways.

The other day I was listening to a band called "The Mountain Goats" and they have an album called "The Life of The World To Come" with each song titled after a bible verse. While listening to each song I looked the scripture up. I was put in my infertile place when I looked up the scripture for the song titled "Genesis 30:3." This whole chapter is on Rachel's infertility. Frustrated her husband Jacob asks her "Am I in God's stead, who hath whithheld from thee the fruit of the womb?" (Genesis 30:2) And though I want to smack Jacob for not being more supportive I realize that I can't project my anger and frustration with my fertility challenges on other people. It isn't their fault. It isn't my fault! Unfortunately, my infertile inner demons are always trying to convince me otherwise.

So there you go, a few of the secret thoughts of THIS infertile mother.

Post Pondering - I wonder if it is sacreligious to want to smack an Old Testiment Prophet... probably.

Infertility

Just a few things to share on this topic. Even if this is not something you have been affected by or are interested in, I encourage you to take the time to read through this because those of us who have been affected by infertility desperately need the understanding and support from those around us.

First a post from my friend Rhiannon's blog "Pray, Hope, Don't Worry." She has such an amazing perspective on this and her most recent post is just so perfectly written I had to share. Please take the time to check it out. It is short, sweet, and straight to the point.

Second, it speaks volumes that I am about to post this because I don't like country music AT ALL! However, a friend of mine posted this on Facebook and I was so ecstatic that adoption and infertility were finally being addressed in music that I posted it on my Facebook profile and want to post it here as well. I just get so excited when this is brought to the attention of the general public. Because for the most part it is not something that others want you to discuss.



Finally, and you'll have to excuse my inability to correctly quote the source of this study, but I couldn't find it on Google nor could I find the Yoga Journal issue that addressed the study. So, don't quote me on the source but I'm pretty sure that it was Harvard that conducted a study that showed that women with infertility suffer from depression as frequently as people who have been diagnosed with A TERMINAL DISEASE!!! Yes, a terminal disease. Need I say more?

Had to share!

Last night I had a dream Cory and I were on a reality TV show for couples struggling with infertility. I'm not sure what the premise of the show was. Perhaps they were going to give us free reign of all fertility treatments available and whoever got pregnant first won $1,000,000. Or perhaps we were going to have to compete against the other couples in feats of skill to win the opportunity to receive various infertility testing, treatment, and procedures like hormone level blood tests, SA's, Clomid, treatments for PCOS and/or Endometriosis, laparoscopy, IUI, IVF, etc. Here are a few of the entertaining jewels of the dream that I remember:

• Paula Abdul was the host. Perhaps my dream reality TV show offered her the $10 million a year salary that American Idol wouldn't!
• In typical reality TV show style all competing couples lived together in one large mansion.
• Tensions were already starting to mount though the competition hadn't fully begun. There was one other couple that I knew in the competition. I currently work with the husband and went to school with the wife. The wife is a very nice, non-judgmental person in real life but in my dream she was already trash talking the other contestants which randomly also included that girl Daisy that first appeared on "Rock of Love" and then on "Charm School" (I could be wrong about Charm School, but I don't watch either show, just spend some time goofing off on TMZ.com during the day and seem to recall that perhaps she got in a fight with Sharon Osborne on the show?).
• We each had our own "fertility cave" which was underground and accessed by standing on a scale that only descended if it matched your exact weight. Don't know what a James Bond Villan-esque cave had to do with fertility, or what would happen if you put on any weight, but it was in each couple's fertility cave that the couple received their fertility testing, treatments and procedures. Maybe I've just seen too many movies or read too many books about secret underground lairs containing cutting edge technology. Each couple was also responsible for keeping their fertility cave clean!
  

So there you have it! My extremely weird dream about a reality TV show for infertile couples. Perhaps I should contact the major networks with this idea... I know I'd watch it! The sad thing is we haven't even started trying to get pregnant yet and already my mind is tormenting me with silly dreams about the journey ahead! At least I got a good laugh out of this dream and hopefully you did, too. It was just such a funny random dream that I had to share :)

Tears of sadness, tears of joy.

I shed the following tears between the hours of 1 pm and 4 pm this afternoon:

• 1:20ish pm - Cried tears of sadness when I had to say goodbye to my SIL Jodi and nephew Noah after enjoying lunch at Denver International Airport with them while they had a LONG layover in Denver. We love them so much and hope to see them again soon!

River and Noah enjoying a shared diaper changing experience :)

• 3:10 pm - Cried tears of sadness when as I was leaving my doctor's office I got stuck in an elevator with 6 other women and I realized I was the only one out of 7 women without a big round pregnant belly. I still struggle with the fact that I have yet to experience full term pregnancy.
  
• 3:20 pm - Cried tears of joy as I signed River up for a summer reading program at the public library. I have been anxiously waiting to do this kind of fun mommy stuff since DH and I first were married (6 years ago this week).
  
• 3:25 pm - Cried tears of joy when I saw a children's book about adoption propped up on top of the shelves on display and then selected it as one of the first books River will "read" for his reading program this summer.

Over Land and Sea, A Story of International Adoption
by Steven L. Layne

Man I am such a boob!

Shame on you, when I was your age I was 10 months old!

Today River is 8 months old. I still can't believe he is really that old, but I better get used to it because I will probably never believe how old he is. In honor of his crazy 8 months of life here are his top 8 likes and dislikes.

Likes

1. Mommy and Daddy. And I'm not just tooting our own horn (see Dislike #3). He is definitely shy around others. But when he is at home with us he is a moving, talking, giggling, snuggly, comfortable little bug.
2. Baby Dill Pickles. We've started giving him baby carrots, baby pickles, teething biscuits, licorice and other food items that he can hold in his hand and chew on but that don't present a choking hazard. Pickles are by far his favorite. Funny considering how sour they taste.
3. Tummy Time. When he was little I couldn't get him to put up with tummy time for more than 30 seconds without melting into a fit. Now, he sleeps on his tummy and prefers to play on his tummy as well now that he is preparing to move into the crawling phase... dun, dun, dun!
4. Making the motor boat sound. While playing with toys, crawling around, eating, bathing, whatever, he gets into moods where he will make the motor boat sound for five minutes straight only stopping to breathe in.
5. Playing the drums. He loves to pound on anything that makes a good sound. An empty cracker box, the books I read him, the table, the desk, the chest of whoever is holding him, and of course any of the official drums in the house. DH and I often will sit down and play the drums in our studio and River will pound on the bongos and "sing" (basically just making a constant string of sounds) along.
   
6. Louie our kitty. Despite the fact that cats are more independent and we have two dogs that are very loving and patient with River, he likes our cat Louie the best. All she has to do is walk by him to elicit a giggle and when she's around he doesn't take his eyes off of her. Sometimes he gets a devious gleam in his eyes when he sees her so I'm afraid DH may have partner in teasing her when River grows up.
7. Ma, ma, ma, ma, ma. To date this is the only recognizable sound that River makes. He is showing interest in moving on to "ba" but in the mean time he loves to say, "Ma, ma, ma, ma, ma." I'm soaking it in while I can because I know once he does move on to the next sound, "ma" may become a thing of the past.
8. Taking Walks. Whether in a sling or in a stroller walks both interest and relax him. Walks are always a good way to calm his fussy moods. He gets this far away look in his eyes when we are on a walk like he is deep in thought. Deep Thoughts, by River Preston...

Dislikes

1. Having his hands and face wiped after eating food. All babies are different in many ways, but some things, like this, are universal!
2. Getting buckled into the carseat. Again, some thing are just universal.
3. Being held by strangers. In general this is a good thing. We don't want him to be comfortable around real strangers. But when the "stranger" is just a family member that he hasn't seen in a while and he starts crying as soon as they hold him, that makes for some grandmas/grandpas, aunts/uncles with hurt feelings.
4. Sitting still long enough to have his diaper or clothes changed. You have to trick him into staying still. Toys are a great distraction, but even in a pinch the diaper I'm about to put on him will entertain him long enough.
5. Loud dog barks.
6. Loud sneezes or coughs.
7. Loud laughing. Dislikes 4-6 all startle him pretty bad and are almost always followed by tears :'(
8. Pacifiers as they are intended to be used. We knew the era of the pacifier had come to an end when we would put a pacifier into his mouth and he would turn around and try to put it in our mouths or just play with it like the rest of his toys :)

River, thank you for the 8 best months of my life!

Also thank you to everyone who voted on who River looks more like. Looks like it is a tie :)

Strong Women

In the spirit of this time of year when we celebrate the loving, nurturing nature of women on Mother's Day I wanted to share with you the stories of some of the strong women in my life that I am constantly thinking of, praying for and am always, always, always being inspired by.

Angie (the name I use to refer to River's birth mom on this blog which is short for Earth Angel) - Angie will always be a huge inspiration in my life. I can't even begin to imagine how difficult of a decision it was for her to make and stay committed to when she decided to place River for adoption with DH and I. I also can't even begin to imagine the amount of wisdom and love that she had to have to make the decision that she did. This is what has made being River's adoptive mommy such a humbling experience. A selfless and loving person has placed this child with me to raise and hers are not small shoes to fill. So I work daily to raise my son such that she will be proud and will always know that she made the right decision.

Unless you have experienced infertility you will never fully appreciate the strength that must be present in a woman who spends years and ridiculous amounts of money to conceive and give birth to a child and manages through the whole process to remain positive and supportive of her peers as those peers get the BFP's (big fat positive result on an hpt) that she so desperately wants and deserves. A Harvard study showed that women with fertility issues exhibit depression with the same frequency as people who have been diagnosed with terminal illnesses such as cancer or AIDS. Hopefully that kind of puts things in perspective if you have not experienced infertility. The next two strong women are women I have met as my journey to motherhood intersected with theirs. They are both strong women who have struggled with infertility and have always managed to remain positive and supportive of others. If I could have half the strength they have shown in the face of their adversity I would consider myself blessed.

Rhiannon - I met Rhiannon first on a trying to conceive discussion board and then got to know her better on an adoption discussion board as she and her DH started looking into adoption at the same time DH and I were anxiously awaiting the arrival of River. Since I first met her she has maintained an amazingly positive attitude and has always been in the cheering section when someone on the boards finally found their path to motherhood. She has opened up and shared her story and her thoughts on her blog and seems to often post the right inspirational message at the right time to help boost me during a difficult time. I would like to request prayers on her behalf at this time, though, as her and her DH have recently suffered the loss of the child they hoped to adopt when the birth parents decided to parent 11 days after he was born. He was in their care for all of those 11 first days of his life. If you would like to read more of her story click on her name at the top of this paragraph. It will directly link you to her blog.

Devika - Like Rhiannon, I met Devika on a trying to conceive discussion board. Despite how very impersonal posting on a discussion board can be, and the fact that we are separated geographically by the majority of the continental United Sates, Devika and I bonded so well we have maintained a friendship via phone and email. Since we first met our lives have taken us on paths leading away from trying to conceive. Her path has led her in a direction she definitely didn't expect and would probably not even wish upon her worst enemy. Yet, she has maintained a peaceful, level headed, and inspiring attitude. Over the course of my time on the trying to conceive discussion board Devika has shared with me her thoughts on how to handle the challenging times in our lives. The thoughts that she has shared with me have been the most insightful, humbling, thought provoking, motivating thoughts anyone has shared with me during this time. The friendship I have developed with Devika makes the challenges of infertility worth it because I would have seriously missed out if I hadn't ever met her.

Dana -Dana and I met in Fluid Dynamics class, a junior level course in Colorado State's Civil Engineering program. Though one would not guess based on our outward appearances that we would have enough in common to maintain a friendship that would stand up to years living in different states post graduation, Dana and I just clicked and despite the distance have remained good friends. In college I always admired Dana because she was fearless enough to walk up to anyone, most shockingly one of our more challenging professors, and start a conversation. But as the years have passed I have learned that her fearlessness goes beyond the simple things like talking to Dr. Gates. She has faced health issues and the loss of dear people in her life with that same fearlessness that has always been and will continue to be a great example to me. I am so thankful that I can count her among my friends!

My Mom - Last, but CERTAINLY not least is my mom. Growing up my mom did an amazing job raising my brother, sister and I. She was a stay at home mom that made our lunches and gave us a kiss on our way out the door from Kindergarten to senior year of High School. I hope that one day I can be as good of a mother to my children. But my mom (and dad as well) did not stop providing us with the love and support that we needed once we moved out. My parents have taken on debt, traveled many miles to spend time with us, and have even given up the freedom that they should have enjoyed with all of their kids out of the house by helping my brother, a single father, raise my niece and nephew. Even still as they fall prey like most Americans to the down economy they are willing to do whatever they can to help their children and their grandchildren. And despite all of the effort my mom puts into supporting others, she still manages to do it in style with a super cute wardrobe that I love to get hand-me-downs from!

I want to thank all of these women for setting such great examples for me and let them know that their efforts are not going unnoticed. I also want to thank the rest of the strong women in my life that I didn't mention in this post. I don't know where I would be without you guys!

Strong women, may we know them, may we be them, may we raise them!