As I mentioned in my post
yesterday the past week or so I have been participating in an Open Adoption Blogger Interview project. To celebrate the anniversary of the Open Adoption Blogroll Heather at Production, Not Reproduction paired up a bunch of us to interview and get to know each other.
It was my distinct pleasure to learn about the
indomitable Momma C of
Mama C and the Boys for this project. Momma C, is a sassy single mother of two boys, Sam and Marcel. Sam came into her life through open domestic transracial infant adoption. Marcel joined Mama C and Sam through donor assisted conception with an African American donor. Mama C has done an amazing job chronically her thoughts and life story since becoming a mother. After reading about her family, I crafted the following questions to get a better insight to her unique journey.
Me: What motivated you to blog your experience?MC: My first post was a story about being a single mama, called
Buy Paper Plates that had seen the light of day in the publishing world, so it seemed like a "reputable" starting point. That gave me the courage I was waiting for to take the leap. But, after that it was more about the fact that I like to be heard. As a single mama, I missed having someone to share a lot of my experiences with. The blog gave me a sense of audience, real or imagined. At first I was sporadic, and then it was something that I found myself craving, needing to do even.
Me: Do you feel the purpose of your blog has evolved since its inception and if so what particular events in your life would you say inspired the change?MC: Purpose. I would like to think the purpose has evolved outward from being about my insatiable need to talk, to providing a forum at times for things that others find it uncomfortable, or just difficult to talk about. By this I mean, white parents raising kids of color, open adoption, adoption language as we come to experience it, and the list goes on. I write to encourage others to do the same. The change has also been inspired by the sheer amount of people coming to the blog, and the nature of the responses, and the experiences and backgrounds of the audience that I draw. I have also become a stronger writer, or at least I kid myself into thinking so, since MamaCandtheboys began a few years back. As my writing gets stronger, my willingness to take on more has increased too.
Me: When you started out on your journey to become a mother did you know you wanted to have both adopted and biological children? Or were you inspired to go the donor assisted conception route during the process of adopting or after you adopted Sam?
MC: I did the infertility tango for almost two years before the brick hit me over the head. Why was I spending my precious savings on trying to create a baby, when there was a child out there who needed a family, as much as I needed to make one? One day, it just became
enough. The medical intrusion into my life was too much. And, because I am single, I did not have to contend with a partner's potential grief too. In college I had a dream of myself walking along a path in this oddly lit forest. I was holding a young boy's hand, and he was black. He was guiding me, not the other way around. That was clearly not just a dream. Marcel, well he came about the first try, when I was ready for #2. I honestly hadn't fully committed to having a baby or adopting one, because it came about so quickly, which was not at all my expectation. If I could do it again what would I choose? Adoption. It's so much easier on your body! I love them both equally. Mother love is mother love. There is no otherness in my experience to having a biological child to an adopted one. When a child is your child, he is your child.
Me: What are the 3 most important things that you think parents considering transracial adoption should know?MC: Love isn't enough. Those were the
three most important words that I was told, and I thought that was the biggest load of &$%#! anyone could say to me. As if
my love wasn't going to be enough. As if I wouldn't know how to parent a child of color. I didn't know the first thing about parenting, let alone parenting a child of color when Sam was placed in my arms at thirty-six hours old. Sure, I had instincts, and they have turned out to be pretty good ones so far. But, instincts on how to help a baby thrive, a toddler explore, a preschooler take on the world, are not the same as nurturing a black son's identity, let alone adoptive identity. Now I live by those words. Love is what reminds you every day that your job is to turn yourself inside out over and over again until you have found the resources, help, community, and understanding you need to parent this child in a way that he needs and deserves. My blog is really devoted to this exploration. Well, my life is devoted to it, my blog allows for moments of that to emerge.
Me: What has been your biggest unexpected hurdle raising children of a different race?MC: How uncomfortable I would become in my own skin.
Me: On the flip side what has been the biggest unexpected blessing of raising children of a different race?MC: How uncomfortable I became in my own skin! Parenting a black child, and a biracial child has changed me more than being a parent has. My purpose, my friendships, my writing, my vision for how I can leave the world a better place than I found it, have all been a direct result of the blessing of Sam and then Marcel into my life. Being their mom has given me so much permission to push myself, to feel rage, to look at the ugly in my own thinking, to not accept what was acceptable.
Me: Having experienced open adoption how would you feel about adopting domestic closed or internationally where the child would not have the same access to their roots as Sam?MC: For me, having a relationship with Sam's birth family has been and I pray will continue to be a life line for me, and for him. I had a lot of fear about that going into this. I had all of the Hollywood inspired "what if's" in my head too. The biggest one for me that I HATE to admit, was something like; "what if, after all I do for this little baby, he grows up and decides that I am only second rate. What if he leaves me like a worn out shoe and moves back to share his adult life with his beautiful, calm, dynamic and magical birth mom.." Now I realize, and it has taken me YEARS to get here, that if I do my job well, and they both choose this, he will have a deep and meaningful connection with his birth family. They will provide him with keys to his being that I can not. I want all of that for him.
Me: What are the top 3 pieces of advice you would give parents trying to balance the seemingly always at odds work and family life?MC: I am sorry I don't have time to answer that! People say to me all the time, "I don't know how you do it..." And I smile and say, "me either." I think we underestimate ourselves. We can do a lot. Again, I am not trying to manage a marriage or partnership which in some ways makes it easier for me. I rely on friends for so much support, from babysitting while I have to go to a board meeting, or get a jog in, or a hair cut, to coming over to dinner so that I can have adult company!
Balance never happens. When a wise friend told me to give up on ever having true balance, and just do my best to
get exercise (I'm a useless parent without it), connect with the kids, do my writing, teaching, and maintaining my relationships meaningfully I was able to shift into a calmer me somehow.
We are all doing out best.Me: What process would you recommend to an itty bitty blogger like myself looking to expand my audience and get more involved in adoption publications, etc.?MC: You are doing it. People want to hear about other folks who are walking their path, and blazing a new one. So much of adoption is still so mysterious and other to many. As with any subject-when you write what you know, you write in your voice, and it is compelling. When I submitted my first piece to Adoptive Families Magazine they took it almost instantly. That blew me away. My next piece took six months for a reply, because it wasn't something they needed until then. There are so many great online venues available to hone your craft so to speak. One of the best ways to simply increase your audience is to read voraciously on the internet, and comment. If people like what you have to say, they will stop by your blog, and bah-dah-bing you are building a community.
~THE END~
I would like to thank Mama C for her partnership and for sharing her thoughts with me as part of this interview project! I feel I have made a priceless connection with her as Cory and I continue to consider all things adoption! For a more in depth back ground on Mama C check out her
Back Story and of course check out
Mama C and the Boys to read her interview of me and learn more about her!
