You know you're a redneck if...

... you use duct tape to fix the broken lid on a box of diaper wipes instead of just buying a new box.

Honey, it appears as though the answer to your question (scroll to the end of the post) is yes... yes, we are white trash. Though we may not have been aware of it before, at least we know now. Because as a wise man once said,

"...Knowing is half the battle." - G.I. Joe

Secret Thoughts of an Infertile Mother

A harmless conversation about a carseat...

Friend: "What do you plan on doing with your carseat once River grows out of it?"

Me: "Well, I figured we'd keep it for our next child."

Friend: "Oh, okay. I was just wondering because a couple I know is pregnant and looking to find a good deal on some of those big items they'll need."

Me: "Wow, that is exciting for them."

How I interpreted the conversation through my infertile glasses and how I wish I would have responded.

Friend: "What do you plan on doing with your carseat once River grows out of it?"

Me: "What gave you the impression that River would be our only child? Isn't it customary to keep these things and reuse them for subsequent children?"

Friend: "Oh sorry, I figured you wouldn't have anymore because you weren't able to get pregnant before and you can't really afford another adoption and/or expensive infertility treatments right now... So I thought you might be willing to sell it to a couple who actually can reproduce."

Me: "Oh yeah, well all you people who don't have to subject your bodies to all sorts of medicines, exams, pokes and prods or wait for someone else to deem you 'fit' to be a parent can just-" hmmm... perhaps it would be best not to finish that particular thought :P

Note: I KNOW my friend did not intend to hurt my feelings by asking the question but my heart is on my sleeve permanently it seems and that makes it difficult not to offend at times.

Speaking of offended/offensive on facebook I am part of a group called "Mother's Circle." Apparently, this leads facebook to believe that I want to see advertisements for pregnancy related services or products. So a good portion of the time there is some sort of an advertisement with a happy woman caressing her baby bump on the right margin of my home page.

I ask facebook to remove them and when it prompts me to give a reason why, I choose the "Offensive" option. I'm sure that option is probably for people who might consider certain advertisements pornographic, lewd or lacivious. But just so you know, facebook, stuck between a rock and a hard place I would actually choose those kind of advertisements over pictures of pregnant woman!

Luckily, though, I do have moments of enlightenment when I realize the folly of my ways.

The other day I was listening to a band called "The Mountain Goats" and they have an album called "The Life of The World To Come" with each song titled after a bible verse. While listening to each song I looked the scripture up. I was put in my infertile place when I looked up the scripture for the song titled "Genesis 30:3." This whole chapter is on Rachel's infertility. Frustrated her husband Jacob asks her "Am I in God's stead, who hath whithheld from thee the fruit of the womb?" (Genesis 30:2) And though I want to smack Jacob for not being more supportive I realize that I can't project my anger and frustration with my fertility challenges on other people. It isn't their fault. It isn't my fault! Unfortunately, my infertile inner demons are always trying to convince me otherwise.

So there you go, a few of the secret thoughts of THIS infertile mother.

Post Pondering - I wonder if it is sacreligious to want to smack an Old Testiment Prophet... probably.

14/17

Today on this Day of Love 2010 River is 17 months old. He is getting so big and starting to look so much like a little boy instead of a little baby. At times I feel like I am getting true glimpses into what he will look like and be like as a child and part of me is so excited to see this development as I absolutely LOVE to watch him grow into the boy and eventually man that he will be. But part of me also mourns the loss of my little baby boy who grows way too fast for me to enjoy every moment as much as I would like to.

I'd like to take this opportunity to share with you some of the unique things that River does that make me smile on a daily basis. And of course share pictures as well :)

Ahhhh! - When River started standing up and walking on his own Cory and I would make that sound that we all make when we are astounded or amazed. The best I can describe it here is "Ahhhh." Deeply entrenched in the "copying phase" of development River started doing it whenever he would stand up and as he began to really start cruising on two feet. Now officially a bi-ped he still makes the sound often when he accomplishes something he is proud of. It is so amazingly cute words cannot do it justice.

To Share or not to Share... - Again as part of the "copying phase" of development River became fascinated with sharing his food and feeding it to you the same way you would feed it to him. Lately, however, showing just how much he is like his daddy River has started offering to share his treat with you (be it fruit, veggies, candy, etc.) often times even putting it part the way in your mouth before taking it back and eating it himself with a devious little smile and/or giggle.

Nighttime Rituals - We have two nighttime rituals aside from the obvious bath, read a book, put on pj's, etc. The first is we blow kisses to all of the animals (2 dogs, 1 cat), toys, lights, books, and of course Daddy. Now, he likes to blow kisses at the most random times. When we leave Pizza Hut after picking up a pizza, ALWAYS when he sees the puppy dog in one of his favorite books, etc. NEVER, of course, when you want him to. Because he must let it be known that he is most certainly not a performing seal ;)
The second nighttime ritual is that I sing hymns and then pray with him while rocking him to sleep. Sometimes when I don't start singing right away and even sometimes when I do he starts singing along with me toneless, and melody free but absolutely adorably nonetheless. When prayer time comes I always pray in a soft relaxing voice to help him fall asleep. He will also at times whisper with me as if he wants to join in the prayer, too. Nothing warms my heart more!

What to do with a tissue? - A couple weeks ago I was sick for quite a while and as is customary when sick blew my nose on a regular basis. One morning when I grabbed a tissue to blow my nose River gave his indication sign (which has evolved from the sign for milk to a one handed snap as if he is ordering a subservient to retrieve it) that he wanted a tissue as well. So I handed one to him expecting him to simply inspect it or try to wipe the floor with it (one of his favorite activities). Instead he proceeded to spit in it because that was his best guess at what I was doing when I blew my nose. He has repeated this several times and it always makes me bust out laughing when he does it!

And of course, the best part of the post.... PICTURES!

Puppy Love


Aghhhh! It's the Bra Monster!



Pierre L'Enfant

Two years ago today...

... Angie, Cory and I all sat down together in our living room and had THE conversation that changed and bonded our lives and River's forever. She was 7 1/2 weeks pregnant and already had more sorrow and pain (physical and emotional) occur in that short period than most women have over the course of 40 weeks.

Nothing was officially decided this day two years ago as we sat in lawn chairs set upon the bare wood of the floor in our living room but independently both Cory and I felt strongly that this was meant to be. Because (at least for me) like our living room which was in the process of being recarpeted, infertility and miscarriage had humbled me and stripped me to my origins where I was ready to be "remodeled" and redone in an entirely new journey toward parenthood.

This morning, I took our son to "Peek-a-Boo Time" at our local library fully concious of how different our lives would have been had we not had that amazing, heart wrenching, life changing conversation with Angie two years ago today.

Bonus Track: Here is a neat story of the strength of both Angie and River before we even had THE conversation. At 6 weeks Angie went to the Emergency Room with severe pain that she and family thought might be the result of this being an ectopic pregnancy. Ultrasounds revealed that she had a very serious cyst that was critical to be surgically removed and the news that most likely it was an ectopic pregnancy. Luckily post surgery her OBGYN had the foresight to check her HGC levels before removing the tissue from what they thought was a lost pregnancy. Her HGC levels continued to double prompting ultrasounds that finally revealed a little tiny bean determined to stick it out for the long haul. Our son, the fighter!