Blood is Thicker than Water

Though River is usually very shy and takes his time warming up to people within hours of Angie, her husband, and their sons PJ and PA (River's first brothers, older and younger respectively) arriving to visit this weekend this was the sight to be had:

River and PJ

 

Seeing River with his older first brother PJ is bitter sweet.  Sweet because I love to see their special bond develop so easily.  Seriously, they were wrestling, laughing and playing from the moment they arrived.  Bitter because I feel I am responsible for taking their brotherhood away from them.  This is especially difficult knowing that River's chances for siblings in our family is, as my 11th grade history teacher Mr. Randall used to say, slim to none and slim just left town.  This makes me all the more greatful for open adoption and the fact that though they will miss growing up under the same roof, they will still be able to wrestle, laugh, and drive each other crazy :)

River and PA

Infertiles Anonymous

Next week I have the privilege to spend time with Angie* as she prepares for and gives birth to her baby boy who seems bound and determined to make his appearance any day now. Though it may seem odd to the majority of the population that Angie would want me to be anywhere near her when she gives birth to her son (because of the emotions it may stir up) she and I wouldn't have it any other way. We are thick as thieves. Bonded for life. We have shared many good laughs about how weird our relationship must seem to those outside of it. From the inside, though, it feels like it was meant to be. Like that comfortable pair of shoes you've had since High School with your exact footprints molded in. But that is a subject for an entirely different post. This post is about my thoughts as I prepare to drive 10 hours into the land of fertility.

The land of fertility is the mid-sized town in Montana, where Angie lives. Much of my husband's large family lives in the same town. I am ecstatic to see my in-laws as I was extremely blessed with the family I married into. They are hilarious, lots of fun, and health nuts just like me. I wouldn't be raw if it weren't for my mother and father-in-law! However, visiting Montana brings with it quite a bit of anxiety because I will be spending the majority of my time with new and expecting mothers (hence "the land of fertility" title I've given the town). To be completely honest, I usually avoid new and expecting mothers like the plague. I'm not mature enough to be in their presence without lamenting my own conception woes until I eventually burst into tears. But they are my family. I love them. And I can't keep avoiding them.

Luckily, somewhere mid panic attack I thought that perhaps I need to be working on my own 12 Step Recovery Plan and decided to modify the 12 Steps of the Alcoholics Anonymous Program to fit my program (oh, so creatively) called Infertiles Anonymous:

1. I admit that I am powerless over my fertility—that I've allowed it to let my life become unmanageable.

2. I believe that a Power greater than myself can restore me to sanity.

3. I have made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand Him.

4. I have made a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself.

5. I have admitted to God, to myself, and to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs.

6. I am entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. I have humbly asked Him to remove my shortcomings.

8. I have made a list of all persons I have harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. I have made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. I have continued to take personal inventory and when I am wrong promptly admitted it.

11. I have sought through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God, as I understand Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, I will carry this message to other hurting infertile women and men, and to practice these principles in all my affairs.

 

It made me laugh and cry when I realized how meaningful these steps were to me. I've read and heard in many places that the psychological effects of infertility are on par with those of being diagnosed with a terminal disease. Some people in life are so good at bearing their crosses and making the best of it. By nature, I am not one of those people, though I have always wanted to be. Hopefully this is a good place to start. And I really mean START! I'm not even sure I can say I've completed the first step. But I will continue to write about my process and let you know how it goes.

* For those who don't know, Angie is my son's first mom.

Perfrect Moment Monday

I Capture Perfect Moments.

A birthday cake made for my son with the love of his birth and adoptive mothers for him and for each other. It most certainly will not have any TV networks banging on our door to participate in the next cake related reality TV show but IMHO it is the most beautiful cake that was ever made.

This weekend we had the wonderful opportunity to have Angie and her family in town and we squeezed every drop of fun out of this weekend that we could. The house is a mess, we're all missing quite a bit of sleep, and countless hours were spent on the road but we would have kept the party going all week if we could. Stupid jobs :P

"All you need is love, love... Love is all you need."

~ Beatles, All You Need Is Love

Birthday Letter

Dear River,

This day two years ago at 5:40 pm you made your entrance into this world. You weighed 7 lbs 3 oz and measured 20 inches in length. Though I didn't give birth to you I was able to help the midwife deliver you and it was an experience I will never forget. The first two thoughts I had when I took you in my arms were:

"River is the perfect name for you. You look like a River!"

and

"You have Angie's feet."

She has a cute little curl to her pinky toe and you have the exact same curl. Though I've known Angie for a long time this is a little nuance that I came to know and love from our many late nights chatting together on the couch and watching you in your constant movement in her tummy. You were crazy and ALWAYS had the hiccups. This continued well into the first few months of your life.

I'm sure we were the talk of the birth center that day. We certainly were a crazy group with a crazy story. But we were all there for you and that made us all a force to be reckoned with. I wish that you could remember it so you could carry that love and unity with you through all your navigation of life's challenges. So it could comfort you as you come to know that you are adopted and figure out what that means for you.

I'm not going to lie. There was great loss and sadness that day and it was also felt by all. Unfortunately, it will always be felt by all. But we are all still here for you and we are continuing to forge a path that we hope and pray will be right for you. Don't feel bad if you get upset with us along the way. It is okay. Just let us know. We want to know what we can do better. Your life may have more details, stories and people than those of your friends but don't worry. Every decision that was made from the moment of your conception was a decision made of love for you.

This morning dawned perfectly. We all cuddled up with cartoons and cups of Carnation Instant Breakfast (because you are in a very picky eating phase right now). As we lay watching cartoons I realized that I was holding you the exact same way I held you almost all of your first night on this earth. Your head lay in the crook of my shoulder. It was uncomfortable for me (no way to really lay my head) but comfortable for you. Don't worry, I don't mind. I love it that way because boy I'd do anything for you! (Okay, so I'll never be that parent that buys you alcohol when you are underage so all your friends can come over and party... sorry. I know, I'm horrible :) And I told you just that, that night as I rambled on and on into the wee hours of the morning. Kind of like I am doing in this letter!

In conclusion, in honor of your 2nd Birthday here are the two things I hope you come to know unconditionally...

1st that God loves you.

2nd that you have four parents that love you unconditionally and will always be there for you.

I love you, sweet darling. I love you more than anything...

~ Mom

The Adoption Blogosphere

For over two years now I've been close friends with the wonderful goddess that is the Adoption Blogosphere. We've shared our most intimate, honest thoughts and feelings over tears, over smiles, over piles of work that I should be doing instead, over sleepless nights, over steaming cups of chamomile tea. I have learned from her, I've grown as an adoptive parent and as a person in general. Through her I've met the most amazing people. People that I've never met in real life, some that don't even know I exist, but people that I love like we've been friends since grade school. People that I cry with and pray for. People that I have nothing and yet everything in common with.

Tired of just reading the fluffy stuff written by other adoptive parents I recently began really getting into the blogs written by the other two sides in the adoption triangle. While I didn't expect flowers, bunnies, and rainbows I was in no way prepared for the depth of negative, angry emotion that I would encounter. Don't get me wrong. Not all are angry. Some are quite positive, others a mix of the two. Regardless of their status on the sliding scale of emotions I became enthralled with their thoughts and feelings. I felt the need to figure out how to prevent or how I would work through each individual situation in the most supportive manner if either River or Angie were to express similar thoughts and feelings. That led to my downfall. That led to the 20 car pile up in my head. Because I couldn't understand where the negative emotions were coming from I often flip-flopped between a desire to fight to defend the honor of myself, River and Angie from their generalized accusations and a desire to hitch a ride with Marty McFly to help right the wrongs that have been done to cause it all.

After a few months of this I realized I was in over my head. I was caught up in the "what ifs." I was absent from the present. I was absent from my son's reality, from Angie's reality. Instead of asking what they need from me I was busy assuming I already knew because of some blog I was reading.

So, my dear friend Adoption Blogosphere I feel it is time that we loose the bond that has tied us together. Not because I don't believe your voices need to be heard. On the contrary I believe they ALL need to be heard. Even the deepest, darkest, angriest ones. Adoption needs reform and it will only come from within. We will only be motivated to push for these reforms when we read those things that make us uncomfotable but that instigate self evaluation and growth. I have learned a lot from you and one of the things I have learned most is that I can't force emotions or reactions on my son. I need to be where he can share his own with me. I am needed here:

and here....

and here:

and most certainly here:

because a) they are having so much fun! and b) look how close those knives are to my bathing son! What kind of mother allows such an unsafe environment for her child?

I won't stop blogging and I won't stop reading. Instead I will listen the most to the other sides of MY adoption triangle and let THEIR emotions trigger action in me.

Kent this is Arnie Pie with Arnie in the Sky. It looks like they have just removed the last of the wreckage from the 20 car pile up that had made such a mess of one poor girl's head. Traffic is officially flowing again. Whew!

LDN

Has anyone happened to notice that infertility has been occupying my mind a lot lately? :P River is days away from 20 months old and many of my friends (and my sister) who have kids River's age or younger are already into the 2nd trimester of their next pregnancy. Needless to say, I'm feeling the pressure stalled back here at the starting line waiting for my ticket to Australia.

The interesting part about this time around is that I have a new partner in infertility. A new supporter. A new cheerleader. And I have the honor of doing the same for her. Angie. Yes, River's Angie :) Once on different sides of the adoption triangle we are now parallel lines in infertility. We are the first person the other one calls when they find out someone else close to them is pregnant and we share each others tears. We are also the first person the other one calls when they find out about a new infertility treatment. Which is what led me to post this today.

During a doctor's visit about an unrelated topic Angie found out about LDN (low dose naltrexone) therapy for infertility. She immediately sent me a flurry of texts with info to research on the topic. Being that I'm not exactly a "satisfied employee" right now I decided to some research despite the fact that I should be working. Click here to check out the best article I have found so far on the topic. I love that is has a list of symptoms that many find LDN to help with. I am beyond excited about this because I know so many of you have suffered from unexplained infertility and unexplained miscarriage and this seems to address a whole new avenue that may very well explain some of our previously unexplainables!

Here is an exerp from the article:

Low dose naltrexone (LDN) has been used off label for the treatment of infertility and recurrent miscarriage by Dr. Thomas Hilgers, founder of the Pope Paul VI Institute for the Study of Human Reproduction, at Creighton University in Omaha Nebraska since the early1990s. Used as part of a treatment protocol known as NaPro Technology, LDN has been used as a treatment for infertility since 2004. The goal of NaPro Technology is to increase endorphin levels near the time of ovulation.

Read more at Suite101: Infertility Treatments: The Use of Low Dose Naltrexone (LDN) Therapy http://autoimmunedisease.suite101.com/article.cfm/infertility_treatments#ixzz0nkvTiX4r

Come on girls, lets book our plane tickets to Australia :) I call sitting by Angie!

This ain't yo mama's Mother's Day wish...

First off because it is a day late. And maybe even a buck short, too. But if you know me IRL you would never use the terms "punctual" or "good at time management" to describe me :)

Second, because this is not a Mother's Day wish for the mothers who fit the Hallmark mold. No offense or anything, because I am one of those mothers, too. It isn't because I don't think we deserve it because we do! But Hallmark and pretty much every retail store in this nation has recognized us until we have it coming out of our... well, you know. Most likely our children and/or husband/significant other made us breakfast and bought us flowers and celebrated all that we do on a daily basis. Most likely we smiled and cried happy tears when we read the Hallmark cards they bought us with their own personal loving messages. And most likely we went to bed with happy hearts and full arms last night.

So instead I would like to wish a Happy Mother's Day to those women whom Hallmark unfortunately overlooks. (Not that I'm doing a great job making up for it being a day late!)

Women who carried, cared for, and loved their babies for 9 months, endured the pain of bringing them into the world, continue carrying them in their hearts, and place them in the loving arms of a couple who couldn't carry a child of their own.

Women who carried, cared for, and loved their babies for anywhere from a matter of weeks to a matter of months before those precious children were called back home to Heaven.

Women who have endured unimaginable pain, invasive procedures, impersonal and or incompetent doctors, months, years, DECADES of waiting and watching innumerable women's growing bellies and baby showers but never get to see that illusive creature... those two parallel or perpendicular lines on a pregnancy test.

Women with special needs children that require every ounce of energy, love, and attention that they have to offer but still wake up every morning to put on her boxing gloves to fight for the rights, recognition and treatment that her children deserve.

These women work so hard, make amazing sacrifices for the benefit of others, and suffer unimaginable pain and yet there is not a section in the Mother's Day cards dedicated to them. So here is my Mother's Day card to them. Because I love each and every one of them. They have taught me so much and have given me so much. Without them I wouldn't be able to fit the Hallmark mold this Mother's Day.

"You say you want a revolution

Well you know

We all want to change the world"

"You ask me for a contribution

Well you know

We're all doing what we can."

~Lennon/McCartney

Dedicated to Angie, Rhiannon, Devika, Faith, Jodi, Jane, Dana, Tiffany, Jordanna, Ruth, Jenni and all the rest of you that are "doing what [you] can" and inspire me daily :)

Excited to Announce...

... that Angie will be posting on my blog now! I am so excited for her to be able to share her experience as a birthmother with everyone, adoptive and non-adoptive mommies alike. Prepare to be edified!

No Competition

So the results of my "Who does River look more like?" poll were a tie between DH and I. We have also been told several times by family and friends (and Angie, too) that River looks like he is biologically our child. At one point my sister even complained to me that River looked more like me than my niece (her biological daughter) looked like her because my niece looks so much like my brother-in-law. But last week when Angie sent me this picture of a picture of her in first grade along side a picture of River I realized that there was no competition.

He definitely gets his looks from his first mommy. A lasting reminder of the love that she has for him in his eyes, cheeks and smile. And when he grows up he is going to be gorgeous!

Strong Women

In the spirit of this time of year when we celebrate the loving, nurturing nature of women on Mother's Day I wanted to share with you the stories of some of the strong women in my life that I am constantly thinking of, praying for and am always, always, always being inspired by.

Angie (the name I use to refer to River's birth mom on this blog which is short for Earth Angel) - Angie will always be a huge inspiration in my life. I can't even begin to imagine how difficult of a decision it was for her to make and stay committed to when she decided to place River for adoption with DH and I. I also can't even begin to imagine the amount of wisdom and love that she had to have to make the decision that she did. This is what has made being River's adoptive mommy such a humbling experience. A selfless and loving person has placed this child with me to raise and hers are not small shoes to fill. So I work daily to raise my son such that she will be proud and will always know that she made the right decision.

Unless you have experienced infertility you will never fully appreciate the strength that must be present in a woman who spends years and ridiculous amounts of money to conceive and give birth to a child and manages through the whole process to remain positive and supportive of her peers as those peers get the BFP's (big fat positive result on an hpt) that she so desperately wants and deserves. A Harvard study showed that women with fertility issues exhibit depression with the same frequency as people who have been diagnosed with terminal illnesses such as cancer or AIDS. Hopefully that kind of puts things in perspective if you have not experienced infertility. The next two strong women are women I have met as my journey to motherhood intersected with theirs. They are both strong women who have struggled with infertility and have always managed to remain positive and supportive of others. If I could have half the strength they have shown in the face of their adversity I would consider myself blessed.

Rhiannon - I met Rhiannon first on a trying to conceive discussion board and then got to know her better on an adoption discussion board as she and her DH started looking into adoption at the same time DH and I were anxiously awaiting the arrival of River. Since I first met her she has maintained an amazingly positive attitude and has always been in the cheering section when someone on the boards finally found their path to motherhood. She has opened up and shared her story and her thoughts on her blog and seems to often post the right inspirational message at the right time to help boost me during a difficult time. I would like to request prayers on her behalf at this time, though, as her and her DH have recently suffered the loss of the child they hoped to adopt when the birth parents decided to parent 11 days after he was born. He was in their care for all of those 11 first days of his life. If you would like to read more of her story click on her name at the top of this paragraph. It will directly link you to her blog.

Devika - Like Rhiannon, I met Devika on a trying to conceive discussion board. Despite how very impersonal posting on a discussion board can be, and the fact that we are separated geographically by the majority of the continental United Sates, Devika and I bonded so well we have maintained a friendship via phone and email. Since we first met our lives have taken us on paths leading away from trying to conceive. Her path has led her in a direction she definitely didn't expect and would probably not even wish upon her worst enemy. Yet, she has maintained a peaceful, level headed, and inspiring attitude. Over the course of my time on the trying to conceive discussion board Devika has shared with me her thoughts on how to handle the challenging times in our lives. The thoughts that she has shared with me have been the most insightful, humbling, thought provoking, motivating thoughts anyone has shared with me during this time. The friendship I have developed with Devika makes the challenges of infertility worth it because I would have seriously missed out if I hadn't ever met her.

Dana -Dana and I met in Fluid Dynamics class, a junior level course in Colorado State's Civil Engineering program. Though one would not guess based on our outward appearances that we would have enough in common to maintain a friendship that would stand up to years living in different states post graduation, Dana and I just clicked and despite the distance have remained good friends. In college I always admired Dana because she was fearless enough to walk up to anyone, most shockingly one of our more challenging professors, and start a conversation. But as the years have passed I have learned that her fearlessness goes beyond the simple things like talking to Dr. Gates. She has faced health issues and the loss of dear people in her life with that same fearlessness that has always been and will continue to be a great example to me. I am so thankful that I can count her among my friends!

My Mom - Last, but CERTAINLY not least is my mom. Growing up my mom did an amazing job raising my brother, sister and I. She was a stay at home mom that made our lunches and gave us a kiss on our way out the door from Kindergarten to senior year of High School. I hope that one day I can be as good of a mother to my children. But my mom (and dad as well) did not stop providing us with the love and support that we needed once we moved out. My parents have taken on debt, traveled many miles to spend time with us, and have even given up the freedom that they should have enjoyed with all of their kids out of the house by helping my brother, a single father, raise my niece and nephew. Even still as they fall prey like most Americans to the down economy they are willing to do whatever they can to help their children and their grandchildren. And despite all of the effort my mom puts into supporting others, she still manages to do it in style with a super cute wardrobe that I love to get hand-me-downs from!

I want to thank all of these women for setting such great examples for me and let them know that their efforts are not going unnoticed. I also want to thank the rest of the strong women in my life that I didn't mention in this post. I don't know where I would be without you guys!

Strong women, may we know them, may we be them, may we raise them!

For those of you who don't know...

... today is Birth Mother's Day. If you didn't know this, don't feel bad. I was not aware of it until I started searching the internet for good Mother's Day cards for Angie (River's birth mom) and happened upon several articles about it.

Here is a quick history lesson on Birth Mother's Day. The first Birth Mother's Day was celebrated in 1990 in Seattle, WA. The celebration was initiated by Mary Jean Wolch-Marsh, a birth mother herself, who wanted to recognize other birth mothers as part of her healing process. So on this day 19 years ago a group of birth mothers who attended a support group with Wolch-Marsh met together and the tradition was born. Birth Mother's Day has since then always been celebrated on the Saturday before Mother's Day.

One particular article had some amazing thoughts on Birth Mother's Day and since I couldn't do it any more justice than this I'm just going to quote the article. (click on the word article for a direct link to the site)

"Birth Mother’s Day gives adoptees, adoptive families and birthparents an opportunity to reflect upon, grieve and celebrate the birthmom in their lives separately from the annual Mother’s Day traditions. Even though the occasion is not marked on calendars and Hallmark does not have a market for Birth Mother’s Day cards, it is important to recognize the women who gave birth to North America’s adopted and foster children.

Many people in the adoption constellation have strong feelings about whether Birth Mother’s Day should be a day of celebration or a day of grieving. Others question why birth mothers need a day separate from Mother’s Day to be honored. Even if an adoptive family, adoptee or birth mother chooses not to celebrate Birth Mother’s Day, the occasion does serve one important purpose – it creates public awareness of birth mothers."

The last sentence of that quote is why I am SO glad that there is a Birth Mother's Day in the first place. Personally, DH and I had planned on celebrating Mother's Day for Angie with cards and gifts from us and River regardless. But something that I have really been disappointed in through my experience in the adoption world is the lack of recognition that we as a society give to birth mothers. A very common quote I have found in the adoption community is,

"Childbirth is an act of nature. Adoption is an act of God." (Author Unknown)

I absolutely LOVE this quote and completely agree but I feel that God is the most present in the actions of the birth mother. She sacrifices her own needs and feelings for the benefit of her child and for the family she is placing her child with. I truly believe that Angie and all of the birth mother's in this world have built their mansions in heaven through their selfless acts on behalf of their children. I love Angie so much and am so thankful for all that she has done for us. Our lives would not be complete without River who is present in our lives thanks to her act of God.

For another (and very moving) tribute to birth mother's written by one of the adoptive mommy's whose blog I follow, click here.

Happy Birth Mother's Day!