My plan is to start doing this more regularly. Many of the blogs I follow give props to blogs they follow when a particular post rings true or provokes thought and I would like to do the same. Particularly like Amanda does at The Declassified Adoptee. In her Epic Linkage posts she links posts from all members of the triad.
Not a day goes by that I don't read such a blog post (just don't tell my boss that!) and today I read a post that motivated me to do what I've been planning on doing for a long time... giving props to my peeps. Today I'd like to give props to Danielle at Westhaven Kids for her post titled "A few thoughts on Adoption" and Von at Once Was Von with her post titled "Breast is Best?" (click on the bolded titles below for direct links to the post)
A few thoughts on Adoption
I've followed Danielle's blog for a while now. Probably coming up on 3 years. I originally met Danielle along with many other wonderful ladies on an adoption discussion board and have always respected her thoughts on adoption. I was super excited when I saw the title of the post but then was blown away when I read it. Here are some of my favorite parts of her post to get you tantalized enough to read:
"The loss of one's biological family in whatever way (relinquishment, abandonment, termination of rights, etc.) is like the amputation of a limb. Adoption is like a prosthesis. Yes, the prosthesis returns a level of function lost in the amputation. Yes, it is much better then the alternative of, say, spending your life in a wheelchair if you lost both legs. But the prosthesis is not and never can be the lost limb. So we all know that amputation should always be the last option. And we NEVER take it lightly. Doctors work very hard to save a limb and only when all other options are gone do they turn to amputation."
"But we need to always remember that the adoption was preceded by a great loss. Would we ever dream of telling an amputee that they are "better off" with their prosthesis than their real foot? Or that they should be "grateful" they lost their limb so they could have this "wonderful" prosthesis? Of course not!! Would we find it in anyway odd that they missed their limb or grieved its loss or were flat out angry about the lost of the limb? Of course not!! Let's offer the same support to adoptees and acknowledge the deep losses they have suffered in order to experience the prosthesis of adoption."
As an adoptive mother I cannot speak to whether or not this is an accurate analogy from an adoptees point of view. But as an adoptive parent I can speak to the fact that the analogy was amazingly informative to me as an adoptive parent. Thanks Danielle!
Breast is Best?
I think it is also important that I highlight posts that I may not entirely agree with but that are thought provoking and adoption myth busting none-the-less. This post was hard for me to read as an adoptive mother who induced lactation. Now, I didn't use the Newman Goldfarb method which she mentions in her post and involves the use of drugs banned for sale in the US. Because I'm a hippy I have to go all natural. However, the post made me really think about breastfeeding adopted children and the fact that it may be an adoption myth that it is best for all involved. Von says in her article:
"While it's understandable that for the infertile, breastfeeding might feel as if it's fixing what was 'broken', being able to do what 'gestational moms' do, I've yet to hear one adoptee say it was a wonderful, bonding experience which they were happy to be part of. Any adoptee viewpoint expressed so far, has been one of disgust at the idea and there are many reasons for that."
The last sentence was hard for me to read. I'm not a bad mom... on purpose. But I am a mom that has fallen for many adoption myths and for the best interest of my son I want to bust them all so I can be the mother he needs me to be. Because I need help to see adoption from the other sides of the triad I am so thankful for Von and her thoughts as well.
So what do you all think? Would love to hear your thoughts on both posts :)
Adoption Ain't For Sissies: “We read to know we’re not alone.” ~ C.S. Lewis
6 comments:
I love Danielle and that post! As for the Breast is Best, I didn't read T I have read adoptees and birthmothers disgusted when they hear an adoptive mom is breastfeeding. I don't agree. Breast is best no matter if it comes from the bio mom or the adoptive mom. The milk is primarily better. The benefits of breastmilk outweigh all the negatives all the time.
Gretchen perhaps you do need to read the post and challenge your views!Sadly there are many who could not agree with you for many valid reasons.
Thanks for the link and for the willingness to challenge the adoption myths.Your son will be the better for it and so will your parenting.I salute your courage!I hope you're finding support along the way.
I certainly take your point on loss but need to think it through.I would like to quote and post if I may in order to do it justice.So very heartening to hear your views, as we say in Auspeak - Onya!!
Thanks for the shout out! :)
I definitely agree with the first post - it reminds me of the book I read, "20 Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew." It's hard to read as an adoptive mother, knowing the pain my son has experienced, and will continue to experience as he grows. It is so important, though, that I understand that he has that experience, separate from mine, so I can hear it and support him through it. I love ALL of him, even the part of him that wishes I wasn't his mom, that T was still his only mom.
I have a lot of feelings about the 2nd post. As a BFing mom right now to a bio child, I can tell you that it isn't easy, and I may have to take a medication to help it along - does that make my BFing not ok, too? And while I understand the reasons why SOME people would be disgusted (as some people are with ANY BFing for some crazy reason!), I just can't fathom the idea that there are no adoptees out there that appreciate that start in life...and that there are no adoptive relationships that were strengthened by a breastfeeding relationship between adopted child and his/her mother. Adoptive moms have to make a decision based on their particular situation, and their beliefs about feeding young infants. Personally, I applaud adoptive moms who commit to doing it and making it work...like I said, it's not an easy task at all, I am barely surviving it without having to induce it from scratch (without a pregnancy). And I do feel that breastmilk is just healthier, hands down...even if I have to formula feed my daughter, I will believe that. Each mom has to decide if BFing their adopted child is worth all the negatives cited in that post...gosh, this stuff sure isn't easy, huh:)?
Thanks for the thought provoking post!
I am an L&D RN. Breast milk is the best thing for a child. It's *not* best when an adoptive mom induces lactation as a means of healing herself for infertility and doing it so that she's like gestational moms, and broadcasts that. Or if she insists that the adoptive child have nothing but breast milk when she isn't producing enough for the infant's proper growth. I think it's a matter of attitude and putting the adoptee first.
Thank you everyone for participating in the discussion. I learn so much from all of you :)
~ Jill
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