Life lessons and Dr. Feelgood... because he's the one that makes you feel alright!

The past few months have taught me some serious life lessons. More than I would have ever volunteered for but certainly every one of them I've needed to learn and grow into the person I have always wanted to be.

Some of the things I have been up to and learning from:

• Left the company I had worked for, for 4 1/2 years to start a new engineering firm with two other business partners. I will never accuse people who work from home of "having it easy" EVER.AGAIN. Stick me back in a cubicle NOW!
  


• Miscarried again the weekend of Mother's Day. Oddly enough it was good news. I thought I had a fibroid tumor or was going into early menopause. I'll take unexpected miscarriage over that latter two any day!
  


• Trying like hell to keep my house from going into foreclosure. It is tough to pay the bills when both of our professions took a huge hit with the economy and we've been living off of one reduced income, savings and credit for WAY too long. Luckily our mortgage company seems willing to work with us.

It hasn't been all tears and frustrations, though. Here are some of the "Dr. Feelgoods" that have kept me sane:

• Gardening! I planted our first garden (potted style) this year. Tomatoes, basil, cilantro, mint, strawberries, spinach, bell peppers, potatoes, carrots, cantaloup, and cucumber. Despite several severe storms and hail I've managed to keep everything alive. My herbs have already produced harvest. We are getting close on the tomatoes, strawberries and bell peppers, too. Even if nothing comes of it, though, my garden has been my place of zen this summer.



• Vermi-composting! I won a bucket of composting worms at a composting class put on by the city I live in and I am obsessed with those little guys! It is amazing how each week they take stinky leftover food and yard waste and turn it into beautiful, dark, fertile earth. I've also noticed that our garbage can is only half full come garbage day each week. That warms my hippy heart!




• Extreme Couponing! I don't know why I did this to myself. I promised I would keep it simple this summer since I'm working my butt off helping to get a new company off the ground. It is anything but simple as I spend probably 8 hours a week in preparation and organization and now shop at anywhere from 7-10 grocery stores to work the deals. I certanily have not reached the extreme couponing status chronicled in the TLC show but when I get to the register and I watch my grocery bill shrink by 50-60% those beautiful endorphins start flowing!





• ATV Riding! I was raised with dirt bikes, and big four wheel vehicles that took me all over the mountains of Colorado and the slick rock of Moab, UT. As much as I've always enjoyed it I've never been caught up in the grips of it like I have become with ATV riding (or quad or whatever you call it). We don't have one of our own but we've got great friends (or dealers depending on how you see it :) willing to share theirs. For the 4th we went up to the beautiful Sawatch Mountain Range and saw some of the most beautiful country Colorado has to offer on an ATV.

Hopefully I'll get back into the swing of reading and writing again soon. I just saw Heather posted another Open Adoption prompt question...

Bill Murray

Billy Murray - Due January 15, 2008, Born May 2007

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart." ~ Jeremiah 1:5

First, I will explain why there is a picture of monkey in overalls with a guitar representing our little angel. On Bill Murray's due date we went to Build-A-Bear to make her tangible. We chose a monkey because we are goofy and LOVE to laugh. We added the sound of a lion's roar to her hand because we knew we would pass her down to her siblings and wanted them to know that she was there to watch over and protect them. And we gave her a little heart that said, "I am loved."

For a more detailed description of our story of how we found out we were expecting and how we found out we were returning our first child to the Lord read this post I wrote in honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, October 15th. I don't want to write too much as I tend to fall into the over dramatic trap easily. Hey, what can I say? I minored in Theatre in college :) Instead I want to share with you some cute pictures of Bill Murray and River with some of my favorite quotes... which may be just as dramatic as my own words but it makes me feel better knowing I'm not the only one.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declared the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and future.'" ~ Jeremiah 29:11

"... those angels can't ever take [our] place..." ~ Tori Amos

"As Long As I Live You Will Live

As Long As I Live You Will Be Remembered

As Long As I Live You Will Be Loved" ~ Author unknown

(Good ol' fashioned sibling wrasslin')

"There is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world" ~ Author unknown


"What we have once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes a part of us." ~ Helen Keller

(Shhhh! Don't tell Mom!)

"A family is a circle of love, not broken by a loss, but made stronger by the memories."

~Author Unknown

With infant or pregnancy loss the most commonly asked question is WHY? Why weren't we able to raise our daughter here on earth? It certainly could NOT be because we are dorks and potentially embarassing parents! I mean our family is completely, 100%, the exact definition of normal! As proof I submit to you the following:

See?!? Perfectly normal. And we most certainly DO NOT post embarrassing pictures of our children on the internet for the whole world to see.

We love you Bill Murray!

"I'll be home, I'll be home to take you in my arms." ~Tori Amos

A few thoughts on grieving before I close:

Shortly after we lost Bill Murray I read the following passage in the book of Job:

"Now when Job's three friends heard of all this evil that was come upon him, they came every one from his own place ... for they had made an appointment together to come to mourn with him and to comfort him. And when they lifted up their eyes afar off, and knew him not, they lifted up their voice, and wept; and they rent every one his mantle, and sprinkled dust upon their heads toward heaven. So they sat down with him upon the ground seven days and seven nights, and none spake a word unto him: for they saw that his grief was very great." ~ Job 2:11-13

For those who have not lost it is often difficult to know how to support those who have. Job's friends were right on the money... at first, of course, for those of you who are familiar with the rest of the story. They cried with him, they mourned with him and "none spake a word unto him: for they saw that his grief was very great."

The most comforting story I found after my miscarriage was a story my Mom told me about my niece. My Mom overheard her crying in her room one day. When she asked her what was the matter she said she was crying for her cousin (Bill Murray) who had passed away. It meant more than words can ever express to know that our pain was understood and felt by others. This January my sister texted me to let me know she was thinking about me knowing we would have been celebrating our child's 2nd birthday that month. Again, it meant more than words can ever express to me to know that I'm not the only one who hasn't forgotten.

Anniversaries

May is definitely a month of anniversaries. One of loss and two of beginnings. This month in 2007 we lost our precious Bill Murray... yes, we nick named our baby to be Bill Murray... after the actor. This month in 2008 Angie, Cory and I found out that she was expecting a boy. He officially had a name ready and waiting for him. Also, this month in 2008 I began this silly little blog :)

In honor of my 2 years of blogging here are two of the most random facts about me that I could think of:

- I was born the same year as Harry Potter. The fact that I know this is a whole new fact in and of itself.

- I can't stand eating yogurt with fruit already mixed in. It is a consistency thing. The consistency of the fruit makes me feel like I am chewing on the inside of dead people's cheeks. Yes, I just publicly admitted that.

In honor of 2 years since River officially received his name here are two ridiculously cute pictures of him:

Have I mentioned this kid likes trucks? He isn't always into reading but he will spend hours looking at books on trucks, trains, cars, motorcycles, etc.



Oh how I wish I could say that it was just random that we caught River picking his nose in this picture. Unfortunately, it is not random. It is the norm. When the thumb is in the mouth, the finger is in the nose. Try as we might we can't get him to break the habit. So instead we will just take lots of pictures to show his friends and girlfriends when he gets older.

Bill Murray will get her own little post as soon as I get my butt in gear and take the pictures to accompany the text.