Passing the Buck - Adoption Ghosts

This is the last in this series of my passing the buck posts.  To read the first two go here, and here.  Though I did not intend to do this I highlighted three posts I love... one from each member of the adoption triad.  I don't think it would have come out that cool if I had tried to plan it that way :) 

The first two posts in this series are far and away the most viewed posts in all my 4 years of blogging.  I'm so happy because I highlighted the provoking thoughts of bloggers that deserve as much exposure as possible.  They are just that kind of awesome.

The final post I would like to highlight is actually from an article published in a professional newsletter by Faith, a fellow adoptive mom, whom I met on a discussion board years ago.  She blogs at Nurture Your Hopes and kindly published the article as a post on her blog as well.  She is an amazing writer and is able to put to eloquent words so many of the thoughts and struggles I have had over the years as an adoptive parent.  Check out Faith's article here:

Adoption Ghosts: A Personal and Professional View

What was most profound to me about this article was Faith's perspective of adoption from the prospective of an adoptive parent (AP) and an infant mental health specialist.  She acknowledges the loss that is experienced by adoptees, often refered to as the "primal wound" the concept of which was posited in Nancy Verrier's landmark book of the same title, "The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child."   This is big because admitting that our love is not enough for our children can be difficult for AP's.  We already feel like an outsider... a failure even.  So we tend to gloss over any such loss to the detriment of our children who need and deserve to have the loss acknowledged and supported without their resulting grieving process being seen as some indication of how much they do or don't love us in return.

She also acknowledges the loss experienced by AP's and putting both losses in the same article, I feel, is helpful for so many (especially us AP's) to recognize that this isn't just about us or fixing what was broken.  It is about identifying those adoption ghosts that haunt us so they do not sabotage our relationships with our children or their first families. 

Here are some of my favorite quotes from the article:

The Bonding Process Ghosts

"I look back often on my early bonding experience with Jackson.The ghosts are still there.I still wish I hadn’t been so anxious, so fearful.I wish that I could have immediately fallen in love like I’ve heard so many other parents describe.Then, I agonize over how all of that could have affected him.Did he sense my hesitancy somehow in the beginning?Did he know I loved him so much it hurt?Did he even know I was his mom?I had so many expectations of how I would feel when my baby was placed in my arms and I didn’t meet them.Did I meet his expectations?Was I what he needed?I will probably never know the answers to those questions."

Grief and Loss Ghosts

"Jackson carries his own loss.He learned the rhythm of his birth mom’s voice, the movement of her body, and, after he was born, the smell of her skin.I have no doubt he found warmth and comfort as she held him close and snuggled his sweet newborn body.And then after 9 months in her womb and 2 days in her arms, she was gone.His mother left him.While she did not abandon him, I do believe his “felt experience” was one of abandonment.His first mom let him go.No matter how great his “forever” mom is, I don’t believe I will ever fully understand the power of that loss for him."

"As for me, I came to this adoption with a lot of grief.I grieved my two babies lost to me before I ever had the chance to hold them in my arms.I grieved the loss of confidence in my body, confidence that it could do what I needed it to do.I think, just as heartbreaking, I was grieving my loss of
control... Infertility teaches a hard lesson – we never really had any control in the first place."

"I can see these ghosts weaving their way in and out of my role as Jackson’s parent.When Jackson is sad, especially if it is due to something I did, I have a gut reaction that is deep and painful.I worry that each time he is sad, his grief is getting bigger.I find myself wanting to protect him from any more pain and sadness in life.After all, hasn’t he already experienced enough?Yet, isn’t pain and sadness a normal part of development?There is much to be learned in those hard times, even for babies and their parents."

"Many parents worry about harming their babies.I agonized about harming my baby more, and so it has gone with many decisions I have made in parenting Jackson.I find myself facing these ghosts frequently.I’d like to think that being an Infant Mental Health Specialist has allowed me to notice these ghosts so they do not guide my every move, but I wonder about the adoptive families we work with.Are they as aware of the potential harm these ghosts can cause?

I have witnessed other adoptive parents dealing with their own grief at the expense of their children.For example, keeping the adoption a secret from their children because “it may hurt them.”I often wonder where this comes from- their worry that their child will be sad or their worry that if the subject of adoption is open will their own grief be exposed, too?I also wonder if this is the way that they try to take back some control and, if so, what will the cost be to their child?I have watched parents have a difficult time setting boundaries with their children because they never want their children to be sad again.I don’t know that they always realize this is their reasoning.Consequently, these children lose their footing.Without boundaries, how do they know how to stay safe?Ghosts can be sneaky and quiet, gently weaving their way into our relationships with our children."

The Guilty Ghosts

"In that moment, I remembered his whole life flashing before me.I immediately worried that he was behaving this way not because I was his mom, but because I was his adoptive mom.I began worrying that my early ambivalence lived on in our relationship.I wondered if the fact that he had experienced abandonment as an infant affected his ability to be separated from me and I felt intense guilt for not thinking of that sooner.All of the previously mentioned ghosts converged in this one interaction and overwhelmed me."

"As we know, when the ghosts are lurking in our subconscious, we have no way to acknowledge them and their impact on our relationships with our children.Until we can acknowledge them, these ghosts can be guiding interactions with our children in ways we don’t want them to."

--

Thank you so much, Faith, for your awesomeness!

While AP's come to the adoption table certainly in the most advantagous position we do not come to the table without our own battle wounds. We bear the scars of our losses and insecurities, too.  I have loved and lost babies.  Not in the same way to allow me to fully understand the loss felt by first parents and adoptees.  However, my loss can and does allow me to understand that the grief of others deserves just as much respect and support as I would ask for my own.  No one person's grief should negate the grief of another.  These are lessons that I have learned over the years and I carry them with me as I continue to develop my relationships with Angie and River and all of the other women and men in the adoption triad that have been essential in helping me come this far in my journey.  

"Ghosts don’t always have to be scary.There are always angels as well." ~ Faith Edison

Statistically Impossible - Thoughts on what each member of the triad is "allowed" to blog about

I am back to passing the buck!  This time with a post that I have wanted to highlight (and received permission to do so) months ago.  The post was written by I Am, a first father who blogs openly and honestly at Statistically Impossible.  The post is titled:

"First Family Blogs: The Ultimate Downer - OR - Why We Don't Post Recipes"

When I read I am's post I was in a bit of a blogging existential crisis.  Here I was writing a blog with the title "Adoption Ain't For Sissies" and yet only about a third of what I was writing had to do with adoption.  The majority of what I was writing was anywhere from the downer of infertility to light fluffy stuff about how freakin' cute River is.  I even posted recipes.  I felt a bit like a fraud and wondered if I should change the name of my blog to avoid false advertising.  All the first parents and adoptees I follow blog almost exclusively about adoption.  Why am I not pigeonholed like they are?

Enter, I Am's enlightened words in this post...  Very similar to my own thoughts but from the perspective of a first father, a member of the triad that is pigeonholed. 
Here are a few of my favorite quotes from his post:

On Adoptive Parent Blogs - "So far it seems to me that adoptive parents are given license to discuss all aspects of their lives except those that may make casual readers squeamish."

On First Parent Blogs - "First parents are expected to write only about adoption. Their lives beyond the placement of their children is taboo. We don't want to know. It's uncomfortable to think about how dis/similar the first parent is to the casual reader. The birth parent is given the opportunity to speak of pain, grief, anguish, loss, and resent. All the negative aspects of human experience are covered here. Aristotle would be proud. But then there are the subsections. Happy first parents versus unhappy first parents. The chasm between these two groups is nigh unbridgeable."

On Adoptee Blogs - "Then we look at Adoptee writers, who likely have the most limited role of all in the online adoption discussion. I honestly feel terrible about how little voice adoptees have been given in the way we talk and think about adoption. Rather than being given, I think it may be fairer to say adoptees have had their voice ignored and censored. Therefore it makes some sense that the anticipated response from adoptees is one of rage, intense loss, and abandonment."

I've been an avid reader of I Am's blog for a while.  I am so happy that the opinion of at least one first father is out there in adoption blogland.  First fathers seem to be the least represented not only in blogland but also in terms of adoption support in the industry.  Hopefully, this is on the mend, though, as he pointed out in a more recent post, a fledgling first father forum was recently launched.  For more info check out this link:

Birthfather's Recognized

Because this topic fits so well with what shook down over at Circle of Mom's Top Adoption and Foster Care Moms contest I also wanted to highlight Heather's kick ass response on her blog Production, Not Reproduction to what happened to Cassie at Adoption Truth during the voting process when she was deemed not supportive and positive enough about adoption.  My favorite quote from the post:

"I'd argue that voices like Cassi's are the most important, in many regards. Speaking for myself, they give me a view of adoption I do not get anywhere else--not in the mainstream media, not in the most popular adoption books, not in most of the training materials I've been given. It is the people who vulnerably and honestly share about the complexities of adoption--those often labeled "anti-adoption" or "negative--who have most influenced my views of adoption. More than just my views--they have influenced my practice of adoption, my choices as an adoptive parent, my relationships with my children. All for the better. And they are effecting change on a larger scale in terms of adoptee rights and the ethical adoption practices, too."
 
This is EXACTLY why I read blogs written by all members of the triad.  I too have learned the most from those who are labeled "negative" and "anti-adoption." They have helped me to better understand the position of first parents and adoptees and they have helped me to see the flawed state of affairs that adoption has become as an industry.  Sometimes it hurts but that is what parenting is about.  Walking through the valley of the shadow of death or whatever it takes to provide your children with the resources they need to navigate their own.

Despite the debacle, the top two blogs before the contest was pulled were NOT adoptive moms... The Declassified Adoptee and Musings of the Lame... an adoptee and a first mother... and I'm fist pumping Jersey style for that.  Maybe, just maybe this is a sign that we (adoptive parents) are moving closer to mutual respect and a willingness to listen to all adoption opinions.  Regardless of whether or not we agree we all deserve to be heard.