"Antarctica, my only living relative."
The song is called Antarctica and is by The Weepies. I'm pretty sure the song was written about the appealing simplicity of the continent but I connected to this lyric for an entirely different reason. I feel like I'm related to Antartica. Like I'm a large continent made of ice. Put more bluntly I feel like I've become a cold hearted bitch. All because infertility hurts me REALLY bad and I don't know how to process those emotions.
This is far and away the worst part of my trip to the Land of IF... That I've become someone I never imagined or even remotely like. That many friendships with amazing women that I have nurtured for years, friendships that have provided great comfort over the years crumble as soon as they announce what should be good news. I fear daily what will happen if I do eventually get pregnant. Will I have anyone left to celebrate with me? Or by then will I have completely alienated myself?
If I had to choose between either a) never getting pregnant and being able to mourn that loss healthy or b) getting pregnant eventually but wallowing in sorrow until then I would choose a) without a moments hesitation. Too bad said multiple choice is not available on my life test. Right now I feel like it will be the worst of both options.
To all those I know who I have hidden from and been angry with for rediculous IF reasons, please forgive me. I don't want to be related to Antarctica but for the time being it is all I know.
To all those I know who I have hidden from and been angry with for rediculous IF reasons, please forgive me. I don't want to be related to Antarctica but for the time being it is all I know.
"It's hard to accept yourself as someone you don't desire, as someone you don't want to be."
~ Laura Marling, Rambling Man
3 comments:
(((hugs))) It is such a hard place to be. Can you believe I still wrestle with some of these emotions after giving birth twice? I do. One of my sisters has 3 kids and the other has 4. They're both younger than me, and the one who has 3 hadn't even started dating her hubby at the time Paul and I started ttc (and yet her oldest is 6 years old and in first grade). Anyhow I love my nieces and nephews dearly, but I am already bracing myself for the next bfp announcement. I figure it will be coming soon as their youngest kids are 17 months and 22 months old. I hate that I feel any sense of dread regarding this type of happy news.
Oh, hun, I was that person for a good 3 years. I know her well as you describe her. I alienated so many friends. The good ones hung in there, and I hope yours do too. This pain WILL end. Everything passes - good and bad. I think we always carry the scars - the jealousy that we had to do it the "hard way" and they don't. But, I do think the impact is less painful at some point... I wish that for you and VERY soon!! Those are my thoughts. I'm so sorry this infertility monster has taken over. It is such a nightmare. I'm thinking of you...
Such an honest post. I'm sure that eventually you'll come out of that frame of mind, though.
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